One of the reactions to my last post included the following:
"I'm not surprised"
Honestly, I feel the interpretation of this is: "I knew you weren't really a good christian all along (or a christian at all)."
And this could very well be the case. I probably never was a good christian, which probably explains why I was so depressed and in so much pain for so many years. When you try so hard at something and fail, fail, fail- well that's pretty painful and depressing.
However, I can tell you this:
I DID truly believe. . . That Jesus died for my sins
I DID truly believe that I needed God's free gift of salvation to get into heaven (and I truly accepted it).
I DID enjoy reading my Bible, in fact, I desired it.
I DID pray to Jesus/God and it was truly heartfelt
I DID truly desire to learn more about the scriptures and live a holy life and become more Christ-like.
These feelings and desires and beliefs were all very real to me at one time.
So. . . WHAT HAPPENED? Did I just suck at Christianity all along? Were my beliefs just not strong enough???
The conclusions I have currently arrived at, I did NOT arrive at them lightly or quickly. It took me YEARS. Literally, years. It was extremely gradual, but I can trace back to when I first "woke up".
It was the year 2007. Adam and I were supposed to be "courting". We had been taught that dating was unbiblical and destructive.
It was no secret to anyone that we were incredibly in love with each other. We enjoyed each others company SO much. We were the best of friends and wanted nothing more than to just BE TOGETHER. (which can be quite challenging when you're courting- following a bajillion rules and needing a "chaperone" at all times).
We just wanted to be together. This proved to be incredibly challenging with all the hoops we had to jump through and rules we had to follow- and I wanted to jump through the hoops, I wanted to follow the rules. I wanted to do it all "the right way".
But it just WASN'T working. First the subject of marriage was brought up to us almost immediately. Then when we wanted to marry, suddenly we were told we weren't ready and needed to do xyz first.
It completely tore me apart. I didn't know what to do. I loved this man. I wanted to be with him. But I wanted to please God and do what was right- and if I didn't do exactly what everyone was telling me to do- then I wasn't "doing it right."
I cannot even describe to you the amount of pain and anguish this brought me. I did NOT know what to do. So I prayed. I read my Bible. . . I STUDIED my bible trying desperately to figure out what to do. I studying all the material on courtship that we were supposed to be following. . .
And then it happened.
My brain turned on. I made a decision. I arrived at a conclusion all by my little self without the help of anyone else (at the time I thought "God" has helped me, and who knows, perhaps he did ;) )
I realized I didn't need all this "courtship" material to tell me what to do. All I needed was the scriptures, not ONE MANS interpretation of the scriptures.
And so Adam and I did something very bold- we married. Without anyones permission, without anyones blessing. We just filled out the paperwork, met at the courthouse, and moved in together.
The next few years would prove to be challenging, but also incredibly rewarding. But I can tell you with absolutely certainly that THAT was the turning point in my life. That was when I finally made my very own decision and used my brain to think all by myself without a parent or a pastor telling me what I should do/think.
The funny part is, my belief in God and my dedication to the scriptures is what brought me to that point. I think that's why I don't "hate" god or the bible or see them as completely invaluable. Both have been part of my journey to where I am right now- and I can appreciate that. But it is time for me to let them both go. It's been a day by day journey that has taken several years.
So perhaps I never was a good christian. Maybe I didn't believe everything good enough or believe it "the right way". Perhaps I was always meant to become a liberal secular humanist/potential atheist because I was such an awful christian.
All I know is, my brain had an "aha" moment back in 2007 and it was the most freeing and amazing thing that ever happened to me and it has made me a happier, more fulfilled person.
One last thing I would like to clarify before ending this post:
I'm not really upset or afraid of "what people will think" of me or what they'll say about me. You see, I've already been through that. I already went through that when I was still a dedicated, practicing Christian. I've accepted it and moved on.
I just really hate the idea that people are going to believe I am "hell bound". I hate it, because I've felt it. I've felt the pain and sadness of believing a loved one is going to hell. And I really hate for my loved ones to feel that pain and sadness. I don't actually believe that I am "hell bound" nor am I afraid of it. Rather, I love and care about many people who I know will believe this about me and it makes me sad.
Thank you all for your love and support. I am so incredibly fortunate to have you all in my life! <3
I had to split up my comment, it was too long, so the first part:
ReplyDeleteI am actually surprised Sarah, but of course I only really knew you back when you were....what I considered to be the "crazy christian" if you understand....
Here's an outsider looking in, but first, an analogy:
When I got into horses, people used to tell me--watch out. There is only two kinds of horse people out there---the good, and the crazy. And was that ever the truth. Middle ground? Never really existed. Two extremes...maybe because people never learned how to live in the middle, thought they might fall through the cracks they assumed must be there in the middle separating one side from the other.
Christians, in my opinion, are the same way. You have the good, and you have the crazy.
The good category doesn't mean they're good...they could be the worst of the worst sinners, the smallest of the smallest believers. But at least every now and then, they try to talk to God, maybe they don't even know why, maybe because they don't have anyone else to trust. Maybe they NEVER open the bible, maybe they do. It is only defined by something in their heart that tells them they were created....created (in itself such a huge idea in this world we live in and waste away each day preparing to die) and maybe some of them actually believe....created for a PURPOSE. some of them.
part two":
ReplyDeleteBut then....the crazy category. Crazy takes over when you let yourself be governed. Governed by laws....laws that men wrote as the interpreted God's law through a bible. I know--I am supposed to believe that everything is perfect in the bible. But do I believe having 90 wives is what God intended? I believe that having 90 wives is what that MAN intended. And he wrote it, and MORE men found what all these other men wrote (and granted, a few women too--Ruth right, I don't remember who else), and decided to organize CERTAIN scripts and call it the HOLY BIBLE. But since when have men been perfect and made a perfect decision or wrote an unbiased word that wasn't flowing through what was accepted through culture? And if you let every little law in that book or from a pastor who is interpreting that book, or someone else's interpretation of the book...you are forgetting that you are HUMAN and (from my beliefs at least) GOD DESIGNED you to BE Human! He designed us to love and laugh and MAKE OUR OWN DECISIONS as you did--free will our greatest humanly gift ever--gave us a soul and a spirit and allowed us to chose who and how we connected with life and people and the spiritual world. Do we need rules? Think about the basics....do not murder, do not steal....as children, sure. We're selfish and we could use that slap on the hand to bring us back. But as humans....as people...we shouldn't need the rules if we truly CARE. It should come naturally not to desire those things if we CARE. But people get stuck on rules, word by word, breath by breath and we forget to do our own breathing our own thinking--the way God always intended. What do I think God wanted for us from the bible? I think he wanted to show us how to care. For him and for the people. I think that was his only goal. And since no one was going to listen to him, he hoped we would listen to each other as we wrote the bible, inspired only by the plot "to care."
I remember how you let your rules govern everything. If you read drums were demon music, you let it govern your life. Did drums actually bring demons in your life? Or were you finally able to dance and laugh to the beat of drums?
Am I said to hear you write you are an atheist? Yes....but only because you continue to take one side to one extreme. It is only one way or the other. Again not seeing that when I talk about "there are only two kinds of people..." we both know that's far from the truth. It is a category, helps us organize what people to steer clear from (and in my case, I needed to steer clear from you when we were younger). All I am hoping is that you understand that your extreme view on Christianity may not be the right one. Heck, maybe I have it all wrong too! But--I never felt trapped from the Christianity either. I never had to free myself from who I am--I just had to remember to care, and if I succeed in caring--the rest falls into place. If I ask myself, what is my purpose in life? It is to care. That's it! Because if the bible got anything right, he finally nailed it when he wrote "Love is the greatest of all..." I will fight for love. Sometimes I may fail--I am not perfect. But I AM human, so I can keep fighting, and love is freeing.