Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Getting back in shape

For anyone out there trying to get pregnant or currently pregnant, you will find this interesting.

When I was pregnant with Mercedes, I ate crap, didn't lift a finger in the name of working out, did not even try to stay hydrated, drank soda and coffee. . . also my stress levels were through the roof. The day she was born we were so broke- Adam had to use some $2 bills I was saving just to buy food. So was I stressed? Incredibly.

But Mercedes arrived happy and healthy and has continued to be incredibly happy and healthy for 3.75 years so far.

This most recent pregnancy I went into with a great attitude. Back in March I started working out regularly. . . (if you know me then you know this is a big deal!) I slightly reduced my level of workout when I found out I was pregnant by sticking to hand weights, no impact cardio/aerobics, and yoga. I kept up on hydration, I kept my thinking positive and happy, stopped drinking any soda or coffee. I reduced my stress levels as much as possible (still stressed to some degree yes, but not nearly as bad as I was with Mercedes).

And this pregnancy did NOT end with a happy healthy baby.

I'm not saying it's not good to take care of yourself while you're pregnant, but I did find it somewhat ironic that when I tried to do everything right and REALLY take good care of myself that it didn't actually change the outcome of my situation.

That being said, I really do think the working out helped me recover from this miscarriage faster than I might have otherwise.

It's true when everyone says that you show much faster in consequent pregnancies after you have already carried a child full term. Here's a picture of me from April 2012 after working out:

Excuse the bad picture, but I was very proud of my level of fitness etc. However it all melted away pretty quickly by August 2012 when I found out I was pregnant. . . 

This is as big as I got, but it happened almost immediately. I could hardly believe it! I already had to rubber band my pants and wear different shirts. It was CRAZY! I could even feel the gap between my abs starting already! Absolutely insane how quickly my body changed. 

I guess I should be grateful, but as quickly as it changed during my short pregnancy, I found myself feeling and looking completely NOT pregnant in the matter of just a few days. Of course the Dr. also recommended that I take a break from working out until my body had finished healing. It's been awful waiting, especially last week when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed. But I did manage to throw in at least a few walks for mild exercise after I started feeling better emotionally.

Well it's finally time for me to start getting back into shape! I'm excited to get back on track to keep myself healthy and prepare for another pregnancy (which will hopefully be successful!). I still have some hot yoga classes to utilize so I will definitely be doing that again and whip out my Cindy Crawford "Next Challenge" DVD to kick my butt! My hopes are to improve my tone by the time we leave for convention at least minimally. It's less than 2 weeks away so we will see! But I'm gonna try my best!

And next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to remember that I have little control over what happens. Yes I will still take care of myself and try to do things the "right way", but I will remind myself that this does not guarantee the results I want. Being healthy never hurts and will help me a lot in the long run- however it won't give me any control over the outcome. 

So those are my thoughts for now. . . keep me accountable for getting back in shape!!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Think before you complain

Before I go off on my rant, here's a quick update on me:

My Dr. said that I experienced a very typical early miscarriage, 25% of all pregnancies end this way due to chromosomal abnormalities and the body ends the pregnancy before it continues any further. I just ended up on the unlucky side of statistics. I didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with my body, in fact she said my body did an excellent job of doing what it was supposed to do. I'm quite fortunate to walk away from this still perfectly healthy with no further complications (so. . . way to go body!). Of course this doesn't mean I have hurt emotionally any less. These facts have helped me process the situation, but honestly this is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. It has been horrific (I'm sure any woman would agree) but I am surviving, so that's what's most important. I am glad that I am still healthy and that my body dealt with everything that was happening and that it won't be too long until we can try again. And hopefully next time we end up on the other side of the statistics. :)

Ok now the rant:

So yesterday I was doing a haircut on a mother of a 4 year old girl. She asked the 4 year old to tell me what "big event" was happening in her life. . .

Her answer?

"A baby!"

Anyone who has lost a baby knows what I'm talking about when I say that there is a sting you feel around all pregnant women or babies when your wounds are still fresh. I didn't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. It's a natural reaction and it only causes me more pain, so believe me when I say I wish I could stop myself from feeling this way.

But I did well. I didn't shed one tear or feel any pain- I congratulated the mother and she said. . .

"Well it was a BIT of a SURPRISE."

And made a few other comments:

"Yes I'm still getting used to the SHOCK." (she's 16 weeks so she'd had 4 months to get "used to the shock")

"Well we only have one other room in our house and it's small. And its set up as my office. And I use it."

"This is such an inconvenience."

She did not have one positive or happy thing to say about her pregnancy.

I smiled pleasantly and tried to encourage her, but deep down, I wanted to strangle her. Obviously she didn't know what I was currently dealing with, but this is just an example of why you should THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Yes I've been hurting. I'm sad that I was pregnant for 8 weeks and then suddenly not pregnant anymore. I'm sad that I can't bring myself to do something with the pile of maternity clothes I recently washed and folded and put in my closet. I'm sad that people say things that hurt instead of help. I'm sad that people who don't really care offer up empty sympathy.

But this? This was too much. I don't know how I finished that haircut with out slapping that woman. True, she had no clue what I was going through, but how hateful of her to be so nasty about such a precious gift.

Little did she know I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat, because then apparently we'd BOTH get what we wanted.

So this situation made me wonder how often I've complained about something that perhaps caused someone to ache. It made me realize that I should be more careful about what I complain about and who I complain to- if I don't know them very well- for all I know I could be thrusting daggers into their heart and not even know it.

Life is short! I want to be more grateful and spend less time complaining. I want to make others feel good, not bad. So this experience was a good lesson for me. And I hope for anyone reading that you take it to heart too- maybe appreciate the things you have even if they seem like a nuisance because there's probably someone out there who would LOVE to have what you have.

Less complaining, more gratitude!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Positive thinking

I am more grateful now more than ever that I have had such a big thinking overhaul. Yes I have forsaken many of the beliefs and teachings of my youth... Which some may see as a bad thing. But now I can see how much it has helped me.

I am in so much pain right now. After 3 years of desperately wanting another child but life circumstances and other factors preventing it we finally had the opportunity to try to conceive the beginning of thus summer 2012. My body took a while to get back on track but it happened nearly immediately! I was thrilled. I would be due near my birthday, deliver before summer... The timing was perfect for us.

But it wasn't meant to be. I first got the sense something was wrong when i had my first ultrasound and the baby did not present a heartbeat. But it was just too early... However a few weeks later there was still no heartbeat and my hcg had barely risen. I still hoped I would be part of a small percentage of women who have gone on to have successful pregnancies after such results but that was not meant to be in my case.

One thing I have learned about myself is that expressing myself through writing and communicating with others is good therapy for me. It helps me greatly. Knowing this helps me understand how to cope with the pain of losing my pregnancy.

Anyway... I have spent a great deal of time revamping my thinking to become more positive and logical. I am seeing now how much that is also helping me cope. I am so thankful for all the people who helped guide and encourage me towards this path. It has made it possible for me to enjoy my life more and cope with difficult situations better than I have previously. I find myself more accepting of others and less judgmental of them and their life situations... Talk about enjoying life more!!! Getting rid of that negativity has helped tremendously. Approaching situations from a new perspective is so refreshing.... It has been incredibly beneficial to me!

Here are a few thoughts I am meditating on which are really helping me through this:

This is not my fault.

I am not being punished.

Life is just not fair.

There doesn't need to be a reason this happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

I am not the only woman who has experienced this. (So many have shared their own experiences to comfort and strengthen me... You ladies have helped me so much!!!!)

I could not have prevented this.

I did not cause this.

I will survive this.

Others may not know how to help me. Even those closest to me. That is ok. It's not my fault or theirs.

Time can heal a world of pain.

Love always makes things better.

I have no control of this situation. I cannot fix it or change it. But I can learn to accept it.

I cannot thank everyone enough for their kind words and encouragement towards me. It's wonderful to be reminded of how many people care about me. I hope one day I can repay each and every one of you. Thank you for helping me begin this journey of recovery, I am so grateful to you all.