Monday, March 11, 2013

I am a happier woman than I used to be. . .

I know I haven't had a consistent subject matter for this blog and that I tend to ramble with some randomness. I think I am avoiding writing about what I WANT to write about. I want to write about the changes in my life, in mySELF. But I'm afraid to talk about it publicly. I share articles in private messages, post comments in other areas of the WWW, drop various hints on my own facebook page, but I haven't written directly about my journey to a happier life.

Why?

I want to. I really want to write about it and talk about it. I want people to know who I really am. Since I was young writing about my thoughts and feelings has always helped me understand myself better. Just "getting it out" in written word has always been therapeutic. So it's no wonder that I really WANT to write all about "it".

But I'm scared. I'm scared that once I expose myself for who I truly am that people who I love and care about will be very, very unhappy. And not even "unhappy" so much as they will be deeply concerned, hurt, and afraid.

Afraid of what?

That I am going to hell.

I already know what it's like to believe that a loved one is hell bound. I know the fear and the pain that it brought. I know how I wept and would pray desperately to Jesus that they would just SEE the truth. . . that they would accept Jesus so they could go to HEAVEN instead of hell!!! I know this pain and it is very real.

So I am faced with two options:

1. Continue to watch what I say and let people believe that I still believe what I used to believe. To let them think that I attend church, read my bible, or pray. That I am teaching my child to be "godly" and "holy".

2. Expose myself as someone who has changed their entire belief system to something that aligns far more with (evil) secular thinking.

Option 1 isn't necessarily "bad". It just means that I'm not going to fully open my current life beliefs for all to see. But by doing this, I feel that I am letting people believe things about me that are no longer true.

Option 2: if I start openly displaying my thoughts and opinions on life- many will become instantly aware that I no longer fit the criteria of being heaven-bound. Because of their beliefs I know it will be difficult to accept and cause a certain amount of anguish. (Not that I can blame them, I'd be pretty upset too if I truly believed someone I love was on their way to suffer eternal punishment).

So you see my dilemma. But you can also see that by writing this post at all, I am heading in the direction of option #2.

My main point is- I am a happier woman than I used to be. And I would love to share with my loved ones how that happened. I would also like to dissect my own thoughts and questions and discuss them with others. And I'd like to do this publicly- online or in person.

It's been a journey. A gradual one that's been happening for the last 6 years. But I am happy with the outcome and I am exciting to continue journeying.

No comments:

Post a Comment