Last night went through boxes and boxes of old paperwork to file away what we needed to keep and throw away what we no longer needed.
Somewhere in the piles of paper I found an old journal/diary (I have many) from 2003.
I read a few excerpts outloud and while we were both brought to tears from laughing so hard, I also noticed a few things that were very sobering.
There were several accounts where I describing getting in trouble with an adult in my life and then reacting (being snappy, saying something like "As soon as I mess up once you forget everything good I've ever done!") and then feeling incredibly guilty about it, then apologizing to this adult and trying again.
The cycle repeated itself again. . . and again. . . and again.
Every time the conflict began the same way. This adult would tell me that I wasn't "respecting their authority" or was acting disrespectful."
Now what's interesting is that all of my "disrespectful" actions always occurred AFTER these accusations were made. And I always felt bad about it. And I always apologized. I even wrote of how good it made me feel when I admitted I was wrong and sought forgiveness and how glad I was that I had apologized for my wrong doing.
But yet it would happen again. And again. And again.
I began describing myself as "worthless". I wrote horrible words such as "at least if I was dead I wouldn't keep messing up."
I wish I could go back in time and give my teenage self a big hug. I wish I could tell her that one day she would feel real happiness and have positive relationships that didn't revolve around these cycles of accusations, conflicts, and apologies. I wish I could tell her that one day she'd feel confident and WORTHY. I wish I could tell her "It's all going to be OK!"
Now I find myself in a position of leadership. Both in my work and personal life. I guess I don't necessarily see being a "mother" as being a "leader". . . And I'm not sure that I want my kids to "respect" me. I want them to LOVE me, of course, and sure it would be nice if someday I EARN their respect. But I will certainly never demand it. And certainly not on account of "I'm your parent so you should respect me!"
I want my kids to learn to be respectful of other humans. PERIOD. There's a difference between this and "respecting authority". Respecting your fellow human beings will lead to peace and will resolve a lot of conflict- before it even begins.
At work I manage a salon. i am responsible for the management of employees and to develop them and train them to be the best stylists they can be.
Again, I never demand that they RESPECT MY AUTHORITY.
Rather I prefer to EARN that respect by:
Setting an example
Following my own rules
Being respectful of THEM
Being sensitive
Being understanding
Being firm
Being consistent
Not acting like I am "above" them
Last but not least: LISTENING TO THEM.
There's a huge difference between teaching someone to be respectful to all those around them (what I will do with my children), EARNING respect (which is what I do my best to do at work)- and DEMANDING respect. A huge, huge difference. I believe the latter leads to cycles like the ones I described in my diary in 2003. A cycle of hurt and pain that can never be resolved.
Thankfully now I am learning to be respectful of my fellow human beings, and that I respect those in leadership positions above me (not my husband, because we're equals- just in case any of you thought I was about to go all patriarchal!) who have EARNED me respect. I will still treat them with "fellow respect for humanity" but I will not automatically give them "special respect" simply because they are in a position of "authority".
Ugh I really hate the word "Authority". But that's another post for another day :)
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