Thursday, November 21, 2013

Choices

Today I was getting the kids clothes organized- getting rid of summer clothes, clothes that were too small- updating their wardrobes with larger, warmer items. I also started getting my "normal" clothes out and my (nearly) 5 year old daughter asked,

"Mommy, where are those clothes from?"

I said, "Oh, these are my normal clothes. I just didn't fit them while I was pregnant, but now I fit them again."

She looked at me, thoughtful, somewhat fearful and said in all seriousness: "I don't want to be pregnant."

I took her in my arms and said,

"Sweetie- first of all you CANNOT be pregnant right now because you are a little girl, but someday, when you are a GROWN up, if you WANT to be pregnant, you can be pregnant. You NEVER have to be pregnant if you don't want to be. NEVER. No one can MAKE you be pregnant."

I saw the look of relief on her face. "Good, because I don't ever want to be pregnant."

Now, obviously she's probably going to change her mind someday, and who even knows what exactly is going on in her 5 year old mind.

But it totally impacted me when I saw how relieved she was when I said "You NEVER have to be pregnant if you don't want to be."

Not too long ago, I considered myself extremely "pro-life". Abortion broke my heart. I didn't think anyone should ever have an abortion- even if they were raped, carrying a terminal pregnancy, 13 years old, I thought it was never OK in any circumstances- EVER. I proudly proclaimed that "if you don't want to be pregnant, DON'T HAVE SEX! It's THAT simple!"

Then 2 things happened. 

First, I met and talked to women who had abortions. I heard their stories. I saw how unique their circumstances were.

I saw how it wasn't just the same story- a slutty girls goes and gets knocked up and runs to the abortion clinic to erase her "mistake". If only she was a christian who saved sex for marriage this would never have happened. If only she had just kept her legs closed! If she didn't want to be pregnant, she had no business having sex!

All those preconceived ideas I had about abortions and the women who have them started to melt away.

I talked to women who were in abusive relationships, who were terrified of being pregnant, who weren't ready to have children, who had no way to support a child. . . so many different scenarios- it simply wasn't as black and white as I had thought.

Then, I had a miscarriage. 

After my miscarriage, I did a lot of research and learned some really crazy things:

Did you know that up to 50% of fertilized eggs never turn into pregnancies? Scientists don't know why, but the woman's body is very selective over which fertilized eggs will make it- and which ones won't. If you are a woman with a functioning reproductive system and you are sexually active- your body will selectively flush fertilized eggs away- and considering how many women have lived- that's a whole lot of fertilized eggs. Millions upon millions upon billions.

Did you know that miscarriage- especially in the first trimester- is extremely common? Scientists believe even after implantation there may only be a 50% survival rate for the embryo. Many of these early miscarriages occur before a woman may even suspect she is pregnant or before she could even KNOW that she is pregnant.

Anytime you get pregnant there is AT LEAST a 25% chance you will have a miscarriage. Prior number of healthy births does not matter. Other conditions may INCREASE these odds, but for the most perfectly healthy female that ugly 25% rate is staring you in the face.

Medically, a miscarriage is referred to as a "spontaneous abortion". Basically, the body has decided- for reasons still not fully understood- that this fertilized egg/embryo/fetus simply needs to go. 

Sometimes it's because there were developmental issues. Sometimes everything looked great, but it happened anyway. Mostly- NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHY THE FEMALE BODY SO EASILY DISCARDS OF SO MANY PREGNANCIES EVERY SINGLE MINUTE OF EVERY SINGLE DAY. 

Some people find this a huge hypocrisy in the pro-life movement- if they are so concerned with saving lives, why haven't they attempted to research or support women suffering miscarriage?

I agree. It's a huge hypocrisy. By their actions and priorities, it definitely seems like they only care about women who don't WANT to be pregnant. About the baby they DIDN'T want to have. All they care about is forcing women to be pregnant whether they want to or not, spreading misinformation about health and birth control, and ultimately controlling the sex lives of women in general (if you don't want to get pregnant, keep those legs CLOSED!)

Of course this doesn't account for rape and pregnancies which can occur from that. In fact, one blogger wrote about how abstinence ISN'T actually 100% effective because of this gnarly little fact, it's a great piece if you'd like to read it here. 

Anyway, moving on from that there was something that I was struck by during my miscarriage experience. . .

So MY body can decide to end my pregnancy- for who knows what reason- but *I* shouldn't be allowed that same choice?

And to put a religious spin on it- if God is in control of life and conception and of my body- then why does he axe all these "lives" so quickly?

Sounds like a major design flaw to me. Why wouldn't he have just made the female body to be a bit more receptive to life? Why would he create a body designed to "kill" life over and over again? Wouldn't it have been easier to just make the actual fertilization a bit more difficult? Or to make our bodies more receptive to the 50% of fertilized eggs that get flushed away or 25% of embryos/fetuses that are spontaneously aborted- for no known reason?

It just doesn't seem right that my body (or God, however you choose to look at it) can abort, abort, abort, and abort again- but I can't make that same decision with my brain?

And if a fertilized egg really is alive- why don't we care about all these lives that are being helplessly murdered by our own bodies so very frequently?!

So here's a few conclusions I have drawn:

Either our bodies are pretty murderous or life doesn't start at conception.

Either way, a woman using her mind and choosing to end her pregnancy is no different than a woman who's body decided to end it for her- reasons unknown.

I realized this when describing my miscarriage experience to a friend who had an early abortion- in the form of taking a pill.

WE BOTH (PHYSICALLY) EXPERIENCED THE SAME THING.

She made a remark that stuck with me, "Our bodies went through the same thing, the only difference was you really wanted to be pregnant and I really didn't."

And so I came to a very difficult conclusion. I am prochoice. I am 100% ok with a woman choosing to medically, safely, end a pregnancy. That may not be a choice that I would make- or that others would make- but I think that choice needs to be there.

If you believe life begins at conception and you want to honor that "life" and make choices based on those beliefs? I support you.

If you find yourself in a position where you are pregnant and you really do not want to be pregnant so you decide to seek a safe, medical procedure to end that pregnancy? I support you.

Because I want to always be able to assure my daughter that, 

"You NEVER have to be pregnant if YOU do not WANT to be."

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