I did a little happy dance when I woke up this morning knowing it was October 1st.
Then I cried in the car on my way to work when the radio station I was listening to played "The Star Spangled Banner" and "Proud to be an American".
I was fairly excited most of the day. Talking to my coworkers about my hubby's current position, when he'd be home, etc.
But then I was so exhausted during my last haircut of the evening. It was a half hour past closing and I was finishing up the last customer and thinking about going home to my empty apartment. I thought about the fact that I still have at least a few weeks of work before that blissful trip to the airport to reunite with my lover. I pushed back the tears and carried on my pretense of happiness. . .
It really just feels too far away. How can I be THIS close and feel like I'm farther from his homecoming than I've been this entire year? It literally feels like these next days are never going to end.
Most nights I do my workout, pushing through the soreness as I dream about how excited my husband will be to see me and that I WILL be in the best shape of my life, tan, moisturized, long(ish) hair, pretty much as perfect as I can get myself to be. Tonight I lay there on the floor and feel like I don't want to move. The seconds just DRAGGING by. . .
It's hard to be excited when it feels like the moment I am waiting for is NEVER going to arrive.
Not to mention my fear of the future. What it will be like reintegrating our lives which we spent 3 solid years building together? We'll be starting all over. I'll steal his towel, he'll leave his socks on the floor. . . so on and so forth. I've REALLY gotten into my "groove" lately. It's become comfortable. I even have started to like it :( Of course I'm more than happy for it to be all tipped upside down with the homecoming of my husband, but I am scared of what it will be like.
I'm scared to see what happens with Adam's job situation. Of course something will work out. But I'm scared of the process of finding out what that will be. I'm scared of living paycheck to paycheck, scraping by with the bare minimum and stressing about which bills to pay. I'm scared of bad things happening and having to struggle through them.
There's so many options and so many new things coming my way. I'm excited but so nervous.
I'm a little bit discouraged in my "getting ready" process. I'm losing my motivation and I want to just skip through these next few days and get to the part where I can rest in the arms of my husband, lay my head on his chest, and be at peace.
I remember feeling this way 5 years ago when Adam was going through basic training at Fort Jackson SC. I can't believe that was 5 years ago. . . I look back and say, "Wow, look how much time has passed since then!"
Yet still it feels like I will never make it to a time when I can say, "Remember Oct 1st 2011 when I thought the next day would never come and that I couldn't make it through? Now I have 2 more babies, a house, and am FINALLY planning my wedding to my husband for our 10th wedding anniversary. . . "
And even dreaming of the wonderful days ahead cannot stop my tears from falling.
That was my October 1st.
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