Well life is somewhat back to "normal". . . after a 10+ day visit with my Mom and Sisters- trekking down and across the state of California- and wrapping it all up with a mini visit from my cousin Tony. So yes, I am back to working a full work week, scrambling to find a babysitter, and one of my daily highlights being watching the next episode of "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer"
It's the oddest thing, the closer I get to "the end" the more mixed my feelings become. Part of me feels like with the finish line in sight a burst of energy is going to send me sailing across it with no problem whatsoever. Yet, at the same time, I feel like I have used every last resource and I am going to collapse and never reach the end.
One day I feel like "Wow, this whole deployment thing has been quite a success! We've paid off some major debts, actually built a savings account, our relationship has remained intact and our closeness has not dwindled. Yay us! I could do this again no problem!" And the next I wonder how I have even gotten through this year. The pain of being alone is so extraordinary I find myself numb to it most of the time, but the times when I really TRULY feel it, it's so unbearable I can hardly breath. Literally there is a deep, physical pain in my chest and it aches so bad. . .
But as with anything in life, no matter what your pain- no matter what has happened to you that makes you feel like the world has stopped and life will never go on- the sun rises on time and the day just goes on. Minute by minute, hour by hour- it passes just as it always has and always will. It does not pause, it does not take notice, it simply just continues.
And so when you reach those days where you feel like you can't keep going, you focus on making it to the next minute. The next hour. . . half of the day, and finally the end of the day. You can't think about tomorrow or next week- let alone how the next month(s) are going to go! This has pretty much been my strategy for this year. I know Adam will be home and it will be amazing- but I can't take the burden of every day all at once- just one day at a time.
I find a way to be strong for the most part- I talk about everything without completely losing it. I retain my composure (for the most part anyway) and "stay strong" so to speak.
But the smallest thing, from a sad thought to a moving photo or an emotional climax in the TV show I am watching- will simply send me into a pathetic sobbing, blubbery mess.
Somehow afterwards I feel better. Of course I feel silly and like I have somehow lost perhaps even MORE dignity, but who cares?! It's OK to let those emotions out. . . it helps.
This coming Sunday, 9/11/11 is the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks. I don't care what you believe or what you think the solution is, but the cold facts are that we were ATTACKED and there and those out there who are fighting to protect us and to stop the people who did this from doing more harm. I know it's not as simple as all that, but for those of us in the military, it is just that simple.
I'm sure it will be a day of even more tears for me (hopefully not while I'm at work!) and I hope that the rest of you take at least a moment to reflect on the day and to thank our servicemen and women for their protection.
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