I'm having a son :)

Yesterday we had our 20 week anatomy ultrasound for our precious rainbow baby. Ultrasounds can be a really fun experience, but also a devastating one. Unfortunately I've experienced both ends of the spectrum.

When I was pregnant with Mercedes I was given 3 ultrasounds. . . One at 8 weeks when they were unable to hear her heartbeat (she was far too small for that little heart to be heard but the doctors didn't believe me that I knew I wasn't as far along as they determined I was. Ultrasound proved I was right.) Sure enough, there she was- a teeny grey bean on the screen with a beating heart! AND she was wiggling around already. . . it was incredible.

Next ultrasound was at 20 weeks. She looked much less like a bean and much more like a baby! And had no problem giving us proof that she was a girl. It was wonderful getting a peak at our lovely little girl!
Then they had us return at 24 weeks to re-check her heart since she was so small and they weren't able to get as clear of pictures as they wanted. I was worried and scared out of my mind but her heart looked perfect AND we got another peek at little Mercedes!

With my pregnancy back in August 2012 there was a lot of confusion with how far along I was due to my recent cessation of birth control. I was scheduled for blood work and an ultrasound. I wasn't too worried though- the same thing had happened when I was pregnant with Mercedes. But I have to say when we went in for that first ultrasound, my heart sank as soon as the tech began looking. First of all, she couldn't see ANYTHING with the abdominal ultrasound. However after switching to a more invasive ultrasound, we could see a very clear gestational sac! But it was so tiny the embryo wasn't visible just yet. It was surmised that I was much earlier than suspected and I was scheduled to come back again in 2 weeks. I tried to shake off my worry by looking at similar early ultrasound pics and telling myself "It was just too early."

But when we went back in 2 weeks, the same thing happened. The tech couldn't see anything with the abdominal ultrasound. When she switched to the more invasive ultrasound, once again the little gestational sac was there. But it hadn't grown at all.

I know enough about ultrasounds and embryos and fetuses to know that they grow very rapidly in the beginning weeks of pregnancy. 2 weeks with no further growth? This was a bad sign. Sure enough my HCG levels in my bloodwork were barely crawling higher (the are supposed to double every 48-72 hours. . . mine took over a week to double). I did a lot of research and tried to convince myself that there was a chance that everything was OK. Sometimes ultrasounds are wrong. in 15% of normal pregnancies HCG doesn't rise or double the way it should... but any hope and any confidence I had was washed away when the bleeding started. Then I KNEW it was over. Even the Dr. I was seeing at the time wanted to check my HCG and "wait out the weekend" just to be sure, but I knew it was over. After making me suffer for 3 days, I was called and told that they were scheduling me for a surgical procedure. . . which I wouldn't have had a problem with, except I wanted to be seen by a doctor first and examined. I knew I would be trying to get pregnant again and wasn't sure what the best decision was. After being scolded I called the clinic I used to go to (before changing insurance) in tears and begged them to help me. I was immediately set up with a referral to a top OB/GYN at Roseville Sutter. She had a 3 month waiting list but my family doctor must have called in a favor because she squeezed me in the next day.

She was the sweetest calmest doctor. She answered all of my questions, examined me, and then performed one last ultrasound to see what was going on.

This time, the little black dot which had signified a growing fetus was nowhere to be found. My body had already "disposed" of everything- quickly and efficiently. I looked up at the picture of my empty womb and listened as the doctor said, "I think it's pretty clear that this pregnancy has ended in an early miscarriage." Even though I already knew what was happening to me, I will never forget that image or her words. It was the truth, but it was still tough to hear. Part of me somehow hoped there might be some miracle and maybe the baby was still there, but the picture on the screen said it all.

So the doctor agreed that at this point, there was no reason to do anything invasive. My body had already completed what it was supposed to do and the whole process would be completely over in the next few days. She encouraged us to wait a month or two and then to try again and assured me that there was no reason it would happen again and that my chances for having subsequent healthy pregnancies were high.

Little did I know that a mere 2 months later I would be back in that exact same room with the exact same doctor and this time we'd be looking at a fetus measuring 8 weeks, 3 days with a perfect little heart beating away. Who would have guessed I'd meet this wonderful doctor during something tragic but it makes me SOOOO happy that she wanted to take me on when I found out I was pregnant again. She helped me through a very difficult process and now gives me good news about my son as every appointment we've had so far.

But that wasn't the first sneak peak I got of our little guy. I had been into the ER 2 weeks earlier for some minor bleeding (obviously this scared the crap out of me, I cried so hard and truly believed I was about to suffer another miscarriage). Unfortunately it was on the weekend so the only place open and available to give me an ultrasound was the ER. I called the on call doctor (who happened to be MY doctor that weekend) and she was very understanding for my fear and told me to go ahead to the ER for an ultrasound to reassure me and make sure all was ok.

Getting an ultrasound in the ER is quite a different experience. The tech is not overly friendly/talkative (nor should they be when investigating a potentially negative emergency situation). There's no large screen so you can't really see what they're looking at. She quietly explained that she would examine me and send the results to the doctor who would review them with me and that she was unable to discuss the results with me. I was able to see a little bit of the screen when she started. . . I could see a little grey peanut and immediately recognized it as a teeny baby! I couldn't see much more than that, so I just laid back and waited patiently for her to finish. But my heart had skipped a beat! Something was definitely there! However that didn't mean she might not find signs of miscarriage and have bad news to reveal.

I got dressed while she went to another room to type up her report. When she returned to get me, she had a huge smile on her face and said she had sent the report. She then escorted me back to a waiting area and whispered "I'm smiling. It's good when I'm smiling."

I wasn't sure what she meant, after her explanation of not being able to talk to me about the ultrasound and that the Dr. would go over everything with me. But as we kept walking she whispered again. . . "I saw a heartbeat."

Tears immediately sprang into my eyes as I knew that this meant- there was a very healthy baby growing inside me. Once a heartbeat is detected, the risk for miscarriage drops to 5% or less.

The ER Dr. reviewed the results with me and said everything looked GREAT. I asked him about getting ultrasound pictures, but unfortunately the machines in the ER don't have printers. So instead he took me over to his desk, pulled up the pics on his computer and took pictures with his Iphone and sent them via text message to my phone. (This is why I LOVE Sutter! Their doctors and employees give the BEST service!).

Still even after that good news, 2 weeks later back at my doctors office when I laid on that same bed in the same room where I had once received such sad news I couldn't HELP but be afraid that something might be wrong. But there he was, looking more like a gummy bear this time than a peanut- sitting perfectly still with a little beating heart. Adam and I noticed he was perfectly content to chill out and wasn't squirming around like Mercedes had been already!

It would be an entire 3 months later before we'd get to see our little man again, and confirm that he was in fact a BOY!

I have to admit when I found out I was pregnant in August, I thought I wanted another girl. But after the way that pregnancy ended, I couldn't have wanted anything more than a HEALTHY baby, boy or girl. I truly had no partiality. Adam felt the same say. Funny though, no one believes you when you tell them "I don't mind either way!" Everyone things if you have a girl that you must want a boy or that Moms want girls and Dads want boys. . . well for some of us, a healthy baby is truly the only concern and neither gender is really desired!

That being said about a week before my 20 week ultrasound I suddenly became convinced I was carrying a boy. I had wondered considering how differently this baby moved compared to Mercedes. I also noticed some extra hair in places it shouldn't grow. . . could it be extra testosterone flowing through my body???

Then I observed that this baby gets MORE active when I'm hungry and LESS active after I've eaten. Usually babies become much more active after their mother has eaten, well not our little guy. It was then that I was like, "This is a MAN CHILD, he's only interested in moving around when he's hungry! And after he eats he just wants a nap!" (<-- I realize there's no scientific evidence to support this at all, but it was what convinced me that I MUST be carrying a boy).

I have to say this 20 week ultrasound was the BEST I have ever received. The tech was wonderful and had no problem allowing Adam and Mercedes to be in the room the entire time. She also let us look at him and determined his gender immediately before moving on to measure and take pictures of everything else.

He was head down (no surprise to me) so she had no problem getting a clear shot of his bottom. "So what gender do you think?" she had asked. Adam and I both answered "boy!" well as she adjusted the ultrasound wand, she pointed right between his little legs and said: "THAT. . . is his penis."

At this point I nearly burst into tears just because I was so happy to see my baby but at the same time I started laughing because I couldn't believe I was RIGHT! I was carrying a man child! And looking up at the screen it was VERY clear!

I just laid back and enjoyed the rest of the ultrasound. Soaked up every minute of seeing the details of my little boy. His face, his hands, his feet. . . It was fun watching him move and feeling it at the same time! He was pretty mellow and very cooperative, except when the tech tried to take pictures of his face- he actually kicked the ultrasound wand, it was pretty funny!

Afterwards we found out that he's measuring an entire week ahead and about 5 oz heavier than average for 20 weeks. My due date is accurate, so this means he's just big! Also, apparently due to the largeness of his head we'll need to return for another ultrasound in 6-8 weeks for another look. Hopefully this won't interfere with a successful delivery, I'll admit I'm a bit scared! Mercedes had a tiny head and THAT nearly killed me. We will see what happens!

What a treat it was to find out that we're having a boy and get his first baby pictures. I'm so thrilled that he's healthy and excited that I get to see him one more time before June!

It's hard sometimes when people ask "Is this your first?"

If it's any other person my answer is, "Nope, my second!"

But if it's a medical professional asking for the sake of records, I have to indicate that it's my 3rd official pregnancy. That always makes me a little sad because I'm reminded of my second pregnancy and how it ended.

But I cannot tell you how much joy and healing this little boy as brought me. From the shock of the first positive pregnancy test to finding out he was a boy- I have been in love with this child. I am so grateful to be able to carry him. Through the woes of pregnancy I am quickly reminded of how lucky I am to be able to carry a healthy child successfully. I am reminded of how much I wanted another baby and how VERY VERY happy I am to finally be having one! Little by little the happiness he has brought me has faded away the pain and sadness of my second pregnancy. I will always remember it, but I will also remember how much perspective and gratefulness it taught me. Now I have little Bradshaw and I just feel so full of joy and love every time I think of him! And I feel fortunate, INCREDIBLY fortunate to be able to have him.

I'm having a son :)

And I truly couldn't be happier!

Merry Christmas!!!

So I totally failed on mailing out christmas cards with a newsletter this year. . . so I'm doing my best with a blog post instead! ;)

2012 finds us still in Fair Oaks, California. This is the longest we have lived in one place and needless to say, WE LOVE IT! This Christmas marks the beginning of our 3rd year in California and so far and it's been a truly wonderful time.

This year has been an interesting life journey for us so far. We started off the year with Adam getting out of the Army and starting a job with his class A license, driving for Werner Enterprises. After over a month on the road with only 4 hours of home time, Adam decided he'd rather be home with his girls- especially having only recently returned from year long deployment.

After that he began working for a cable installation contractor. After a few months we decided to save some money by having Adam stay home with Mercedes while I continued my full time job managing the Great Clips salon in Fair Oaks.

Adam also joined an Army reserve unit for some part time income and benefits. He's been enjoying his time at home with Mercedes and she's been loving having daddy home full time! Meanwhile Adam has been busy testing and applying to various positions with California corrections/highway patrol/police departments. Perhaps 2013 could hold some amazing career advances for him! We shall see. . .

I've been busy as always continuing my job as a salon manager! This was a great year in the salon, due to the salons amazing performance I was able to attend the Great Clips 30th anniversary convention in Minneapolis 100% free. The salon received 2 awards which I had the honor of receiving at the convention. I also was selected out of thousands of managers to compete in a "Create The Cut" competition. It was judged by hair professionals who judge competitions around the world! Although I did not win one of the gargantuan trophies awarded to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place- I did advance through the first 2 parts of the competition and as part of the top 10 competitors I was able to participate in an on stage hair show in front of the entire convention! The competition involved cutting on a mannequin and role play interacting with a customer in the salon. I have to say it was loads of fun and also a huge confidence booster making it to the top 10!

Mercedes has been happy and healthy as always, growing amazingly fast and leaving toddlerhood behind her completely. She enjoyed our hot summer learning to swim and playing at Folsom Lake. And of course a few trips to the beach!

We also made a long awaited decision. . . to try for baby #2! On August 3rd we found out we were expecting, but unfortunately my pregnancy ended in Miscarriage on September 7th 2012. We were all heart broken. Thankfully my body healed fast and much to our surprise on October 13th we found out I was already pregnant again. We could hardly believe it at first but a few blood tests later and it was confirmed that a healthy pregnancy was just getting started! There's been a few scary moments, but every blood test and ultrasound has showed better than average results. I'm now at the very beginning of the 2nd trimester and while paranoia has been a struggle, I couldn't be happier that our rainbow baby (internet term for a baby conceived post-loss) is growing big and due to arrive by June 28th 2013!

While 2012 hasn't been without it's challenges, I'm so grateful for another amazing year of learning to truly enjoy life, even when things don't go as planned or desired. (More of that to come on my blog!) It sure is a relief to focus on all the great things in life! Needless to say we're very excited for 2013. There's some very exciting things coming our way and possibly some big changes. It will be interesting to see how the year plays out! Regardless of what happens I know we will be one thrilled family when our June bug arrives.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Lots of Love,

The Valslers

Miscarriage myths

Since my experience with both healthy pregnancies and pregnancy loss it has come to my attention (mostly due to questions and comments people made to me) that there's a lot of misinformation out there. I'm not going to go into too much detail but I'd just like to clear up a few things...

#1. Something is wrong with you/your body if you have a miscarriage

In every pregnancy, regardless of health or number of previous healthy pregnancies there is always a 25% change of loss (although it is higher with maternal age of 35+). This risk goes down with each week and with each milestone (HCG levels rising properly, heartbeat detection, etc etc). This risk applies to all women in every pregnancy. *SOME* women do have conditions which can cause *recurrent* loss (3 or more pregnancies in a row) but only 1% of women suffer from conditions which cause recurrent loss, and still have a 60-70% chance of having a successful pregnancy.

The fact is, miscarriage is unfortunately very common and is NOT an indication that something is wrong with you. If you haven't had a miscarriage, you are just lucky.

In fact, some evidence shows that women who miscarry may in fact be MORE fertile. The reasoning behind this? About 50% of fertilized eggs (only 1% for women using birth control) are rejected by a woman's body, for one reason or another. Yes, that's 50% In women who are not using birth control. These fertilized eggs merely get washed away when a woman has her period, no pregnancy ever occurs as the egg never attaches to the uterus. However, it could be that in women who miscarry, their body accepts a fertilized egg that it SHOULD have rejected. The (possibly) defective egg attaches to the uterus, begins to grow, and is eventually shut down due to its defects.

Basically, the risk is always there no matter what. It's just part of life.

#2 miscarriage is caused by stress

Think about it... If this was true no women would ever need to seek an abortion. I'm sure the stress of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy would be more than sufficient to end the pregnancy. Not to mention its unlikely than any woman has had a completely "stress free" pregnancy.

Regardless, asking a woman if her loss was "caused by stress" is just insulting and hurtful.

#3 an early loss is "just like a heavy period"

In some cases this might be true, but telling someone "we'll it's just like you had a heavy, late period" is not only insensitive, but do you really think the poor woman wants to tell you "no actually I've been flushing chunks of fetus/placenta/gestational sac/fruit sized blood clots down the toilet and I'm having labor contractions." <--- this is why many women opt for a d&c procedure to end the process more quickly. Although this can be accompanied with its own potential risks.

#4 an embryo/fetus isn't a real baby so you shouldn't be so sad

Regardless of when you think life begins, even though some miscarriages are void of any embryo to begin with, it is still a loss. Once a woman knows that she is pregnant the idea of a baby is there.

I think I am fortunate that I did not see a fetus or heartbeat in the pregnancy I lost because in my mind that would have made it more difficult. However, I still dreamed of what that baby would look like someday. I was still planning and getting things ready. I was pregnant for over a month!!! About 8 weeks gestation. Of course I was starting to get ready and thinking and dreaming.

Well it's all those dreams and hopes that get ripped away once the worst happens. And it hurts. It hurts bad enough to make you feel crazy.

#5 god is the only one who can comfort you

While this may be true for some, I actually found that looking at it from a scientific perspective was more helpful. Instead of trying to figure out what lesson I was supposed to learn or why this was happening to me, I just realized that it was truly part of nature. My body was doing what it was supposed to do, that is all. It made it so much easier for me to cope. So please keep this in mind- for some of us the science actually can be more comforting. For some it may make the loss seem meaningless, but we all cope differently and it's important to remember this.

Also, what truly helped, was people's empathy. Realizing that SO many women have experienced this unfortunate situation and hearing their encouraging words really truly made a difference.

****

I've spent a lot of time researching this as it has helped me cope with my loss. I also asked my new doctor several questions about my case in particular. I suffered a very typical miscarriage, most likely due to chromosomal defects (very, very common). I had no influence on my situation as my HCG levels did not rise properly from the start and my ultrasound results were inconclusive. I was aware of my pregnancy for 5 short weeks and then it was all over. I couldn't have prevented it and had no control over the outcome.

Please be aware of these myths and how your comments/questions may inflict more pain on someone who is suffering a loss. Insensitivity can also be very hurtful :(

I hope this post helped answer some questions that many are probably afraid to ask and that the information is helpful in understanding this difficult situation that so many women face.

Healing

I recently was in Minnesota for the Great Clips 30 year anniversary convention. It was a great trip and there were several highlights, but there's one in particular I want to write about.

On September 8th a little girl was born. Her name is Amaya Beth :) a healthy beautiful girl brought into this world by my sister in law, Helen.

So on the last day of my trip I got to meet her and hold her :)

Little Amaya would be the first newborn I've held since experiencing the loss of my own pregnancy September 2012. I've experienced a huge range of emotions so I was nervous as to what my reaction would be in holding her. Would I feel happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Would it be too overpowering for me?

Well all of that was put to rest when I finally got that sweet girl into my arms.

When my daughter was born, a woman held her and said it was such a joyful healing experience, I was glad that Mercedes made her feel that way but had no idea what she meant.

Well now I know. Holding that precious girl made me feel warm and happy inside. It's a feeling I really can't describe. I have never felt that way before when holding someone's baby. I wasn't sad- not even close. Her cute little face, eyes gazing up at me... It was really incredible!!! Nothing but happy warm feelings.

I know I still have a ways to go in dealing with this pain. It has shaken me so much more than I thought possible, but I have finally made progress towards feeling better and truly healing. Holding that little girl warmed my heart and gave me hope. Soon I will cuddle with my own sweet baby, but for now I have my precious 3 (almost 4!) year old and a great bunch of nieces and nephews. So glad I got to see them all and especially glad I got to meet and hold sweet little Amaya, in her short life so far she's brought me happiness and healing and I am so happy for that.

I hope everything will continue to get easier for me. It's been a really rough road, I've had a lot of issues dealing with the emotional pain. I wish it wasn't so tough for me, however i cant really control that so i know i need to just keep moving forward. Making progress and finding ways to heal are what makes it worthwhile :)

<3

Getting back in shape

For anyone out there trying to get pregnant or currently pregnant, you will find this interesting.

When I was pregnant with Mercedes, I ate crap, didn't lift a finger in the name of working out, did not even try to stay hydrated, drank soda and coffee. . . also my stress levels were through the roof. The day she was born we were so broke- Adam had to use some $2 bills I was saving just to buy food. So was I stressed? Incredibly.

But Mercedes arrived happy and healthy and has continued to be incredibly happy and healthy for 3.75 years so far.

This most recent pregnancy I went into with a great attitude. Back in March I started working out regularly. . . (if you know me then you know this is a big deal!) I slightly reduced my level of workout when I found out I was pregnant by sticking to hand weights, no impact cardio/aerobics, and yoga. I kept up on hydration, I kept my thinking positive and happy, stopped drinking any soda or coffee. I reduced my stress levels as much as possible (still stressed to some degree yes, but not nearly as bad as I was with Mercedes).

And this pregnancy did NOT end with a happy healthy baby.

I'm not saying it's not good to take care of yourself while you're pregnant, but I did find it somewhat ironic that when I tried to do everything right and REALLY take good care of myself that it didn't actually change the outcome of my situation.

That being said, I really do think the working out helped me recover from this miscarriage faster than I might have otherwise.

It's true when everyone says that you show much faster in consequent pregnancies after you have already carried a child full term. Here's a picture of me from April 2012 after working out:

Excuse the bad picture, but I was very proud of my level of fitness etc. However it all melted away pretty quickly by August 2012 when I found out I was pregnant. . . 

This is as big as I got, but it happened almost immediately. I could hardly believe it! I already had to rubber band my pants and wear different shirts. It was CRAZY! I could even feel the gap between my abs starting already! Absolutely insane how quickly my body changed. 

I guess I should be grateful, but as quickly as it changed during my short pregnancy, I found myself feeling and looking completely NOT pregnant in the matter of just a few days. Of course the Dr. also recommended that I take a break from working out until my body had finished healing. It's been awful waiting, especially last week when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed. But I did manage to throw in at least a few walks for mild exercise after I started feeling better emotionally.

Well it's finally time for me to start getting back into shape! I'm excited to get back on track to keep myself healthy and prepare for another pregnancy (which will hopefully be successful!). I still have some hot yoga classes to utilize so I will definitely be doing that again and whip out my Cindy Crawford "Next Challenge" DVD to kick my butt! My hopes are to improve my tone by the time we leave for convention at least minimally. It's less than 2 weeks away so we will see! But I'm gonna try my best!

And next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to remember that I have little control over what happens. Yes I will still take care of myself and try to do things the "right way", but I will remind myself that this does not guarantee the results I want. Being healthy never hurts and will help me a lot in the long run- however it won't give me any control over the outcome. 

So those are my thoughts for now. . . keep me accountable for getting back in shape!!

Think before you complain

Before I go off on my rant, here's a quick update on me:

My Dr. said that I experienced a very typical early miscarriage, 25% of all pregnancies end this way due to chromosomal abnormalities and the body ends the pregnancy before it continues any further. I just ended up on the unlucky side of statistics. I didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with my body, in fact she said my body did an excellent job of doing what it was supposed to do. I'm quite fortunate to walk away from this still perfectly healthy with no further complications (so. . . way to go body!). Of course this doesn't mean I have hurt emotionally any less. These facts have helped me process the situation, but honestly this is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. It has been horrific (I'm sure any woman would agree) but I am surviving, so that's what's most important. I am glad that I am still healthy and that my body dealt with everything that was happening and that it won't be too long until we can try again. And hopefully next time we end up on the other side of the statistics. :)

Ok now the rant:

So yesterday I was doing a haircut on a mother of a 4 year old girl. She asked the 4 year old to tell me what "big event" was happening in her life. . .

Her answer?

"A baby!"

Anyone who has lost a baby knows what I'm talking about when I say that there is a sting you feel around all pregnant women or babies when your wounds are still fresh. I didn't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. It's a natural reaction and it only causes me more pain, so believe me when I say I wish I could stop myself from feeling this way.

But I did well. I didn't shed one tear or feel any pain- I congratulated the mother and she said. . .

"Well it was a BIT of a SURPRISE."

And made a few other comments:

"Yes I'm still getting used to the SHOCK." (she's 16 weeks so she'd had 4 months to get "used to the shock")

"Well we only have one other room in our house and it's small. And its set up as my office. And I use it."

"This is such an inconvenience."

She did not have one positive or happy thing to say about her pregnancy.

I smiled pleasantly and tried to encourage her, but deep down, I wanted to strangle her. Obviously she didn't know what I was currently dealing with, but this is just an example of why you should THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Yes I've been hurting. I'm sad that I was pregnant for 8 weeks and then suddenly not pregnant anymore. I'm sad that I can't bring myself to do something with the pile of maternity clothes I recently washed and folded and put in my closet. I'm sad that people say things that hurt instead of help. I'm sad that people who don't really care offer up empty sympathy.

But this? This was too much. I don't know how I finished that haircut with out slapping that woman. True, she had no clue what I was going through, but how hateful of her to be so nasty about such a precious gift.

Little did she know I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat, because then apparently we'd BOTH get what we wanted.

So this situation made me wonder how often I've complained about something that perhaps caused someone to ache. It made me realize that I should be more careful about what I complain about and who I complain to- if I don't know them very well- for all I know I could be thrusting daggers into their heart and not even know it.

Life is short! I want to be more grateful and spend less time complaining. I want to make others feel good, not bad. So this experience was a good lesson for me. And I hope for anyone reading that you take it to heart too- maybe appreciate the things you have even if they seem like a nuisance because there's probably someone out there who would LOVE to have what you have.

Less complaining, more gratitude!

Positive thinking

I am more grateful now more than ever that I have had such a big thinking overhaul. Yes I have forsaken many of the beliefs and teachings of my youth... Which some may see as a bad thing. But now I can see how much it has helped me.

I am in so much pain right now. After 3 years of desperately wanting another child but life circumstances and other factors preventing it we finally had the opportunity to try to conceive the beginning of thus summer 2012. My body took a while to get back on track but it happened nearly immediately! I was thrilled. I would be due near my birthday, deliver before summer... The timing was perfect for us.

But it wasn't meant to be. I first got the sense something was wrong when i had my first ultrasound and the baby did not present a heartbeat. But it was just too early... However a few weeks later there was still no heartbeat and my hcg had barely risen. I still hoped I would be part of a small percentage of women who have gone on to have successful pregnancies after such results but that was not meant to be in my case.

One thing I have learned about myself is that expressing myself through writing and communicating with others is good therapy for me. It helps me greatly. Knowing this helps me understand how to cope with the pain of losing my pregnancy.

Anyway... I have spent a great deal of time revamping my thinking to become more positive and logical. I am seeing now how much that is also helping me cope. I am so thankful for all the people who helped guide and encourage me towards this path. It has made it possible for me to enjoy my life more and cope with difficult situations better than I have previously. I find myself more accepting of others and less judgmental of them and their life situations... Talk about enjoying life more!!! Getting rid of that negativity has helped tremendously. Approaching situations from a new perspective is so refreshing.... It has been incredibly beneficial to me!

Here are a few thoughts I am meditating on which are really helping me through this:

This is not my fault.

I am not being punished.

Life is just not fair.

There doesn't need to be a reason this happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

I am not the only woman who has experienced this. (So many have shared their own experiences to comfort and strengthen me... You ladies have helped me so much!!!!)

I could not have prevented this.

I did not cause this.

I will survive this.

Others may not know how to help me. Even those closest to me. That is ok. It's not my fault or theirs.

Time can heal a world of pain.

Love always makes things better.

I have no control of this situation. I cannot fix it or change it. But I can learn to accept it.

I cannot thank everyone enough for their kind words and encouragement towards me. It's wonderful to be reminded of how many people care about me. I hope one day I can repay each and every one of you. Thank you for helping me begin this journey of recovery, I am so grateful to you all.