Healing

I recently was in Minnesota for the Great Clips 30 year anniversary convention. It was a great trip and there were several highlights, but there's one in particular I want to write about.

On September 8th a little girl was born. Her name is Amaya Beth :) a healthy beautiful girl brought into this world by my sister in law, Helen.

So on the last day of my trip I got to meet her and hold her :)

Little Amaya would be the first newborn I've held since experiencing the loss of my own pregnancy September 2012. I've experienced a huge range of emotions so I was nervous as to what my reaction would be in holding her. Would I feel happy? Sad? Overwhelmed? Would it be too overpowering for me?

Well all of that was put to rest when I finally got that sweet girl into my arms.

When my daughter was born, a woman held her and said it was such a joyful healing experience, I was glad that Mercedes made her feel that way but had no idea what she meant.

Well now I know. Holding that precious girl made me feel warm and happy inside. It's a feeling I really can't describe. I have never felt that way before when holding someone's baby. I wasn't sad- not even close. Her cute little face, eyes gazing up at me... It was really incredible!!! Nothing but happy warm feelings.

I know I still have a ways to go in dealing with this pain. It has shaken me so much more than I thought possible, but I have finally made progress towards feeling better and truly healing. Holding that little girl warmed my heart and gave me hope. Soon I will cuddle with my own sweet baby, but for now I have my precious 3 (almost 4!) year old and a great bunch of nieces and nephews. So glad I got to see them all and especially glad I got to meet and hold sweet little Amaya, in her short life so far she's brought me happiness and healing and I am so happy for that.

I hope everything will continue to get easier for me. It's been a really rough road, I've had a lot of issues dealing with the emotional pain. I wish it wasn't so tough for me, however i cant really control that so i know i need to just keep moving forward. Making progress and finding ways to heal are what makes it worthwhile :)

<3

Getting back in shape

For anyone out there trying to get pregnant or currently pregnant, you will find this interesting.

When I was pregnant with Mercedes, I ate crap, didn't lift a finger in the name of working out, did not even try to stay hydrated, drank soda and coffee. . . also my stress levels were through the roof. The day she was born we were so broke- Adam had to use some $2 bills I was saving just to buy food. So was I stressed? Incredibly.

But Mercedes arrived happy and healthy and has continued to be incredibly happy and healthy for 3.75 years so far.

This most recent pregnancy I went into with a great attitude. Back in March I started working out regularly. . . (if you know me then you know this is a big deal!) I slightly reduced my level of workout when I found out I was pregnant by sticking to hand weights, no impact cardio/aerobics, and yoga. I kept up on hydration, I kept my thinking positive and happy, stopped drinking any soda or coffee. I reduced my stress levels as much as possible (still stressed to some degree yes, but not nearly as bad as I was with Mercedes).

And this pregnancy did NOT end with a happy healthy baby.

I'm not saying it's not good to take care of yourself while you're pregnant, but I did find it somewhat ironic that when I tried to do everything right and REALLY take good care of myself that it didn't actually change the outcome of my situation.

That being said, I really do think the working out helped me recover from this miscarriage faster than I might have otherwise.

It's true when everyone says that you show much faster in consequent pregnancies after you have already carried a child full term. Here's a picture of me from April 2012 after working out:

Excuse the bad picture, but I was very proud of my level of fitness etc. However it all melted away pretty quickly by August 2012 when I found out I was pregnant. . . 

This is as big as I got, but it happened almost immediately. I could hardly believe it! I already had to rubber band my pants and wear different shirts. It was CRAZY! I could even feel the gap between my abs starting already! Absolutely insane how quickly my body changed. 

I guess I should be grateful, but as quickly as it changed during my short pregnancy, I found myself feeling and looking completely NOT pregnant in the matter of just a few days. Of course the Dr. also recommended that I take a break from working out until my body had finished healing. It's been awful waiting, especially last week when I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed. But I did manage to throw in at least a few walks for mild exercise after I started feeling better emotionally.

Well it's finally time for me to start getting back into shape! I'm excited to get back on track to keep myself healthy and prepare for another pregnancy (which will hopefully be successful!). I still have some hot yoga classes to utilize so I will definitely be doing that again and whip out my Cindy Crawford "Next Challenge" DVD to kick my butt! My hopes are to improve my tone by the time we leave for convention at least minimally. It's less than 2 weeks away so we will see! But I'm gonna try my best!

And next time I'm pregnant, I'm going to remember that I have little control over what happens. Yes I will still take care of myself and try to do things the "right way", but I will remind myself that this does not guarantee the results I want. Being healthy never hurts and will help me a lot in the long run- however it won't give me any control over the outcome. 

So those are my thoughts for now. . . keep me accountable for getting back in shape!!

Think before you complain

Before I go off on my rant, here's a quick update on me:

My Dr. said that I experienced a very typical early miscarriage, 25% of all pregnancies end this way due to chromosomal abnormalities and the body ends the pregnancy before it continues any further. I just ended up on the unlucky side of statistics. I didn't do anything wrong, there's nothing wrong with my body, in fact she said my body did an excellent job of doing what it was supposed to do. I'm quite fortunate to walk away from this still perfectly healthy with no further complications (so. . . way to go body!). Of course this doesn't mean I have hurt emotionally any less. These facts have helped me process the situation, but honestly this is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. It has been horrific (I'm sure any woman would agree) but I am surviving, so that's what's most important. I am glad that I am still healthy and that my body dealt with everything that was happening and that it won't be too long until we can try again. And hopefully next time we end up on the other side of the statistics. :)

Ok now the rant:

So yesterday I was doing a haircut on a mother of a 4 year old girl. She asked the 4 year old to tell me what "big event" was happening in her life. . .

Her answer?

"A baby!"

Anyone who has lost a baby knows what I'm talking about when I say that there is a sting you feel around all pregnant women or babies when your wounds are still fresh. I didn't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. It's a natural reaction and it only causes me more pain, so believe me when I say I wish I could stop myself from feeling this way.

But I did well. I didn't shed one tear or feel any pain- I congratulated the mother and she said. . .

"Well it was a BIT of a SURPRISE."

And made a few other comments:

"Yes I'm still getting used to the SHOCK." (she's 16 weeks so she'd had 4 months to get "used to the shock")

"Well we only have one other room in our house and it's small. And its set up as my office. And I use it."

"This is such an inconvenience."

She did not have one positive or happy thing to say about her pregnancy.

I smiled pleasantly and tried to encourage her, but deep down, I wanted to strangle her. Obviously she didn't know what I was currently dealing with, but this is just an example of why you should THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK.

Yes I've been hurting. I'm sad that I was pregnant for 8 weeks and then suddenly not pregnant anymore. I'm sad that I can't bring myself to do something with the pile of maternity clothes I recently washed and folded and put in my closet. I'm sad that people say things that hurt instead of help. I'm sad that people who don't really care offer up empty sympathy.

But this? This was too much. I don't know how I finished that haircut with out slapping that woman. True, she had no clue what I was going through, but how hateful of her to be so nasty about such a precious gift.

Little did she know I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat, because then apparently we'd BOTH get what we wanted.

So this situation made me wonder how often I've complained about something that perhaps caused someone to ache. It made me realize that I should be more careful about what I complain about and who I complain to- if I don't know them very well- for all I know I could be thrusting daggers into their heart and not even know it.

Life is short! I want to be more grateful and spend less time complaining. I want to make others feel good, not bad. So this experience was a good lesson for me. And I hope for anyone reading that you take it to heart too- maybe appreciate the things you have even if they seem like a nuisance because there's probably someone out there who would LOVE to have what you have.

Less complaining, more gratitude!

Positive thinking

I am more grateful now more than ever that I have had such a big thinking overhaul. Yes I have forsaken many of the beliefs and teachings of my youth... Which some may see as a bad thing. But now I can see how much it has helped me.

I am in so much pain right now. After 3 years of desperately wanting another child but life circumstances and other factors preventing it we finally had the opportunity to try to conceive the beginning of thus summer 2012. My body took a while to get back on track but it happened nearly immediately! I was thrilled. I would be due near my birthday, deliver before summer... The timing was perfect for us.

But it wasn't meant to be. I first got the sense something was wrong when i had my first ultrasound and the baby did not present a heartbeat. But it was just too early... However a few weeks later there was still no heartbeat and my hcg had barely risen. I still hoped I would be part of a small percentage of women who have gone on to have successful pregnancies after such results but that was not meant to be in my case.

One thing I have learned about myself is that expressing myself through writing and communicating with others is good therapy for me. It helps me greatly. Knowing this helps me understand how to cope with the pain of losing my pregnancy.

Anyway... I have spent a great deal of time revamping my thinking to become more positive and logical. I am seeing now how much that is also helping me cope. I am so thankful for all the people who helped guide and encourage me towards this path. It has made it possible for me to enjoy my life more and cope with difficult situations better than I have previously. I find myself more accepting of others and less judgmental of them and their life situations... Talk about enjoying life more!!! Getting rid of that negativity has helped tremendously. Approaching situations from a new perspective is so refreshing.... It has been incredibly beneficial to me!

Here are a few thoughts I am meditating on which are really helping me through this:

This is not my fault.

I am not being punished.

Life is just not fair.

There doesn't need to be a reason this happened. Sometimes bad things just happen.

I am not the only woman who has experienced this. (So many have shared their own experiences to comfort and strengthen me... You ladies have helped me so much!!!!)

I could not have prevented this.

I did not cause this.

I will survive this.

Others may not know how to help me. Even those closest to me. That is ok. It's not my fault or theirs.

Time can heal a world of pain.

Love always makes things better.

I have no control of this situation. I cannot fix it or change it. But I can learn to accept it.

I cannot thank everyone enough for their kind words and encouragement towards me. It's wonderful to be reminded of how many people care about me. I hope one day I can repay each and every one of you. Thank you for helping me begin this journey of recovery, I am so grateful to you all.

Updated Blog!

Alright, time to move on from "how to survive a deployment" !

Now my blog title is "Loving Life" and my posts will be following this theme :)

The new url is http://peacelovesunshinelife.blogspot.com/

New and interesting posts coming soon! ;)

Happiness!

I am so happy that Adam is home every day!!!! Life just isn't the same without him! Even though we sometimes make each other crazy. . . I absolutely HATE when he is gone.

I think the worst part of this year (2012) so far was February. It was like a deployment flashback! Adam was gone for almost a whole MONTH training as an over the road truck driver.

Meanwhile, the owners of my salon had purchased another store.

I don't like to talk about work stress on the internet, but it's relevant to this situation. Basically my job of managing a salon had it's stresses hugely magnified over that month, not really anyone's fault, just a result of the situation so I'll explain it the best I can:

Graciously, the owners re-hired every single employee who worked at their newly purchased salon under the previous owners. Unfortunately, most decided to leave their employment less than 2 weeks later- leaving only 2 stylists on staff.

With 200+ hours/week on the schedule to divvy up, obviously 2 people cannot run a store. But, if the store reduced it's hours, or even closed temporarily our owners are put on "restriction" and cannot open or purchase another store for 12 months. Since they plan to keep growing, we had to make sure this didn't happen!

So over the course of 90 minutes I took my staff- who all awesomely volunteered to work over time and travel to the new store- and the 2 remaining stylists and I re-wrote both schedules, stretching everything out to cover BOTH stores. It was a huge mental exercise that took almost all my brain power! (Sad but true!) it was like putting a puzzle together.

And from there, the rest of the month was chaos and a blur. Basically, one staff was keeping 2 salons open. Most of us were working 50+ hours each week, trying to keep up with the "bucking bronco" (which my store is known as due to it's ability to completely throw you as it grows and becomes insanely busy) AND get the new store back up on it's feet. Meanwhile, we were interviewing stylists nearly every day, watching them cut hair on models and mannequins and not finding anyone we could hire. It was true insanity!

While all of this was going on, My hubby was gone, I was still trying to balance motherhood/working, and going home to an empty bed just magnified my stress.

Without Adam around, I became so lonely and depressed. It was absolutely awful!

I guess it just confirmed the fact that we are meant to live out lives together- NOT apart.

(The work situation has since smoothed out and both stores are operating well now, just FYI!)

Now it's summertime here in Sacramento (well, by my definition anyway) and with Adam and I both working full time- the days are just flying past. We're typically off together during the week since we both work weekends and. . . life is GREAT! I love that it's hot outside, that we get to see each other every day, AND get days off together! Awesome, awesome, awesome!

Changes. . .

Sorry this isn't much related to deployment "stuff" but I wanted to talk about it anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about how different I am and how much has changed. Primarily how my thinking has changed. How my attitude has changed.

What I believe, my concept of life in general, how to relate to other people, how to deal with difficult situations, how I feel when someone does something "crazy"- perhaps even BAD- and how it affects me. This has all changed a GREAT DEAL since I was a prudish teenager who thought that you had to be living by Bill Gothards principles and teachings in order to be a "real" christian and I dealt with people and situations in the way that he promoted.

(If you would like to learn more about Bill Gothard and the extensive damage he has caused in Christian communities, please go to recovering grace where you can read more about his methods, how they ACTUALLY line up to the Bible and the many stories of the harm he has perpetrated. I urge you to visit this website so you can understand what I am saying here)

By living life HIS way, I not only incurred a lot of hurt and pain on myself- but on others. Even my friends. I am SO sad and ashamed by this! I know everyone is responsible for their own actions, but I didn't know any better! I thought this was the only way to live! I was a prisoner to these teachings!

As a result, I was often very- VERY unhappy by trying to live an impossible life. As a result of THAT unfortunately some relationships between myself and others were damaged to the point where they might never be repaired. I am very sorry for this and I'm sure I don't even KNOW of all the people I may have hurt and this breaks my heart. I can honestly say that I didn't know any better :(

I am happy to report that I am in a much better place now- mentally more than ever. I FEEL so much better about life. I FEEL so much happier. I can handle unpleasant situations (ha, mostly anyway!) and STILL feel happy and STILL enjoy life! FINALLY I am at a point where I feel like life is just so wonderful and enjoyable- I am seriously loving it!

Even though I am not "where I want to be in life" (yet), although finances are still a huge source of stress and worry for me, although I am far from having a lot of my goals achieved, I have made the conscious decision to fully enjoy each day for what it's worth, and to enjoy each good thing that I can right now! After all, it's not going to last forever! And why waste it being miserable?!

I'm young, I'm in good shape, I have a beautiful daughter, I have a young, (mostly) healthy husband and we all love each other VERY much. Sure we live in a small apartment. . . can't keep up with our chores. . . not sure how we'll ever buy a house or afford retirement. . . not sure how the whole health insurance plan is going to work out. . . not really sure how we're going to make life "work" longterm. . . But hey, we'll figure it out! For now I just want to really enjoy EVERYTHING that I have and absolutely LOVE living life!

Also when I see people- their lives- their choices. . . instead of harshly judging by holding them to the impossible "godly" standard set forth by Bill Gothard (which ironically and hypocritically I also never attained) I find it is MUCH easier to just accept them for who they are and realize- THAT'S OK!

I firmly believe that if God wanted all of us to live EXACTLY the same and to think EXACTLY the same and believe EXACTLY the same. . . he would have made us EXACTLY THE SAME. (This is the "gist" of it. But basically unless someone is intentionally hurting their self or others I really don't have a problem with them.)

There I said it. And let me tell you. . . what a RELIEF it is to be able to see people make decisions that perhaps *I* wouldn't make. . . or that the *typical christian* SHOULDN'T make. . . to see people think, act, believe, and be different than *I* am. . . and to know THAT IS PERFECTLY OK! Instead of criticizing differences, I celebrate them! How wonderful that we can all be so unique? Why on earth would we expect ourselves to be identical? It just doesn't make sense. . .

And again, I am a MUCH HAPPIER PERSON for this! And life is much more enjoyable! What a great thing???!!!

Honestly I haven't felt comfortable sharing these thoughts on the internet for fear or being attacked or having people change their feelings about me (I should know because I used to be one of these people). And the sad thing is, I haven't even gone into detail about the multitude of things I have changed my mind about! I have seriously gone through a HUGE "core" transition.

And since it has produced a happier, healthier me? Well. God can be my judge ;)

What caused all of this change?

Well it started over 6 years ago when I started becoming friends with a boy. His name is Adam John Valsler. That was when I experienced the greatest love- ok I'll be a sap and call it TRUE LOVE.

It was because of him and OUR relationship that conflicted with Bill Gothard and his "formulas" that I finally arrived at the conclusion- BILL GOTHARD IS NOT GOD, HIS BOOKS AND TEACHINGS ARE NOT THE BIBLE. . . therefore even as a devout fundamentalist christian (as I was at that time anyway) I came to the revelation that I did NOT need to align myself with his teachings.

That was my first step toward true freedom and to get where I am now has been 6 years of painful babysteps! But I have finally arrived at a point where life is happy and enjoyable, and not because of my circumstances, but because my thought processes have changed and this has allowed me to decide to BE happy and to ENJOY life! And to think. . . I still have decades of learning and growing to go through! ;)

Isn't it amazing how LOVE can change us? (after all. . . God is love, right?)

So I want to spend more time LOVING. . . and less time judging and feeling miserable.