A few things. . .

Ok here we are 6 months post deployment and here are a few of my major thoughts:

1. The military REALLY needs to do a better job figuring how to handle soldiers EXITING the military. Here's a few pleasures we've had recently:

Adam waiting for 7.5 hours at the VA emergency room since he was unable to get an appointment to deal with his potential TBI (traumatic brain injury) and also major joint pain (sometimes he literally cannot drive because his right knee is in so much pain. Both of his knees crack and pop and cause him extreme discomfort from time to time <---- this is thanks to jumping all around Afghanistan with 100 pounds of gear.  Pretty sad for a 24 year old guy to be suffering with knees that think they are 70 or 80 already).

Tricare dental can't seem to make up their mind about what to do with us- doesn't help that with United Concordia losing the contract to MetLife there has been more than enough confusion for everyone. Basically we just paid $300 for 4 months of dental coverage that we never got to use because they dropped us before I could go to my dental appointment next week. The person I spoke to with MetLife had NO CLUE whatsoever what was going on- TOLD me I was covered, and then called back 2 hours later to tell me that she was WRONG and that it was United Concordia's fault, something about my husbands change in  status blah blah blah (which is interesting because I had talked to United Concordia previously who told me that we had the option to be covered until 2014 and it was THAT option I was enrolled in.) So. . . I'd kind of like that $300 back I paid for covered that I never got to use- OR they could figure out the mess and update our coverage! After my phone callS with MetLife yesterday the possibility of anyone figuring out anything is looking hopeless. Thanks Military!

On the bright side the PTSD people seem to have their act together- of course they are completely separate from the actual military OR the VA.

*

Now onto other interpersonal issues. . . very tender subject but I want to get it off my chest and also make others aware ESPECIALLY if you have a friend or family member on a deployment!

I've come to the conclusion after so many months post-deployment. . . that everyone gets wrapped up in the actual deployment- everyone wants to send care packages, write letters, help take care of the poor lonely spouse. . . everyone wants to be there for all of that. And it's great! It's wonderful! The support is unwavering!

However afterwards most seem to drop off the face of the earth. I don't know if it's because they think everything goes back to "perfect" and "normal" once the soldier comes home. . . or if it's just not as exciting to be supporting someone on a deployment- or even if there's a solid reason at all.

All I know is that in the months after the soldier comes home- the family needs love and support more than ever! I feel like NOW I find myself looking around going "Wait, where did everyone go?" I certainly don't think anyone has meant to forget- but I definitely get the feeling that people are more willing to "be there for you" during the deployment. Is it more glamorous and therefore a more attractive and enticing time for supportees to make their way out of the woodwork? It's definitely easier to notice "Hey this person needs help, I should do something!" But it's much less easier to notice months afterwards.

I urge any of you with friends and family deployed- don't forget about them once the soldier comes home! You have no idea what a difficult journey lies ahead for them! The first month or two might seem angelic, but there are some struggles ahead where your love and support will be direly needed!

I am so thankful that I have great friends and wonderful family who've been there with me through everything. I certainly have never noticed a difference in your love and support! Thank you thank you thank you! 

My heart breaks for military families who don't have this luxury. . . I can't even imagine how they can handle everything alone. Please please please make sure this doesn't happen to someone you know and love!

6 months ago today

Exactly 6 months ago today I was getting ready to go to the airport and experience one of the most exciting moments of my life :)

Seeing my husband again after a 12 month deployment with the Army National Guard.

I can hardly believe how quickly these last 6 months have flown past! I feel like time is finally moving again, as opposed to dragging on endlessly for ages.

Since my last post, Adam stopped working as a truck driver and is now employed with a communications company installing cable- he's home every night and gets weekdays off (like me) so we get more time together! Also he'll actually have a chance to go to the VA and get all of his issues taken care of (potential TBI, joint problems, & PTSD).

So many things have happened in the last 6 months, but I'm grateful that we are all (mostly) healthy, employed, and together! And we're loving this California sunshine! It makes my life so much more enjoyable to be in this climate- going on 2 years now and still loving every minute! We've already been to SF several times, so cal, and also checking out local state parks. Considering all that's been going on, we've enjoyed a lot of travel around this beautiful state and it's been wonderful!

Of course life is not without it's struggles, as I've learned it takes a lot more than an awesome homecoming to recover from a deployment. Slowly but surely, we're getting there!

Anyway, Happy Easter to everyone! Hope it was great for you all :)

Alone. . . AGAIN!

Good news: Adam is working for Werner trucking! He will be in the western region, so this means he will be home every few days minimum :)

Bad news: Training for the position requires hubby to be with a nasty, smelly, control freak "trainer" who refuses to take loads to Northern California, for a total of 275 hours, living in a semi-truck cab. :(

Since February 5th, I have seen Adam once for 5 consecutive hours. And that was about a week ago.

First week flew by. Work has been pure insanity lately due to being short staffed, so I've been working non-stop, loads of overtime, since he left.

Now it's really starting to royally suck. I feel like I'm right back in the deployment. . . of course there's a few things that are a little nicer- Adam has a cell phone (yay!) and he's in the same time zone- mostly- as me (yay!).

Other than that, it's exactly like the deployment. . . and I HATE it! Right now it looks like I won't be seeing my love until MARCH 10th! when his trainer goes on vacation.

I've been telling myself how wonderful it is that he has a job- ANY paycheck is a great thing right now especially as all other job leads of his are at a complete standstill right now. I keep telling myself how wonderful it is that once we get through THIS part he will be home so much more often- but it really just sucks, sucks, sucks. :(

I'm trying so hard to be positive- thinking about how lucky I am to be living this wonderful life of luxury in America (in California even!) that we both have jobs and can pay the bills, and that I really have NOTHING to complain about. . .

But this is just horrible and I'm sick and tired of having to live without Adam for such long periods of time. I know I spent a year alone and that this should be CAKE- but it's not. It's horrendous and I can't wait for it to be over!

:(

Thank me?

I got a letter from the "United States of America" the other day.

Of course I began to panic, was this some sort of notification of money I owed in taxes? Was it some sort of fine? What could the "United States of America" possibly want with ME?!!!!

Inside was a thank you card, thanking me for being the supportive spouse of a deployed soldier. . . and a $5 gift card to starbucks (thanks starbucks!)

I was also invited to take a survey (of course) about my experience. Cool?

It was signed, "Thank you for your time and sacrifices for our county."

Needless to say I got pretty emotional, I mean, I know it's just a canned card that's printed and sent to everyone, but it was still pretty neat (and relieving that I didn't owe any money!)

I never really felt like I deserved thanks for anything, I mean, I didn't do much except watch a lot of TV shows by myself and spent a lot of time online. . . that's not especially amazing or heroic. It's definitely not easy living away from your spouse under such conditions for an entire year, but getting a "thank you" from the USA? I hardly know what to say.

Hopefully they find my feedback in the survey useful. I will most certainly enjoy the starbucks gift card!

Lucky

I have come to the realization that I am an incredibly lucky person.

I've dealt with my fair share of crap, of things not turning out the way I want them to, etc. I've dealt with pain, rejection, fear, sadness, loneliness, horrible debt. . . being broke and nearly homeless. I don't have a perfect marriage and would never claim to. There is only one reason I feel incredibly lucky:

I have found THE person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Despite our troubles, we always stay together and love and support each other.

Right now, off the top of my head, I can name 5 people I know who's marriages disintegrated in less than 5 years. That's just off the top of my head (recent marriages). It's also not counting the long term relationships or engagements I've seen fall apart.

I'm not saying in ANY way whatsoever that I am better than any of these people or that they made wrong decisions/horrible mistakes, or anything of the sort. In fact, I am incredibly heart broken for their pain and wish they didn't have to feel it.

I merely have realized that I am very lucky. I am married to the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life and he feels the same way about me.

I have seen too many people who have been even more fortunate (or "blessed") than I have- they have a happy marriage and stable home environment yet they aren't satisfied. For WHATEVER reason all they can think about, talk about, and complain endlessly about is what they DON'T have or what they are missing to "complete" their life. Whether it's a baby, a job, more money, a better house, better parents, a degree, better circumstances. . . it becomes what consumes them. Even if they attain whatever it is they want SO badly, something else comes into the picture and it starts all over again.

I say this, because I am guilty. I have spent far too much time whining, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself because someone didn't treat me right, a family member or friend didn't love and accept me the way I wanted to be accepted and loved. . . because I didn't get the wedding "every girl dreams of", and because of all the stupid annoying road blocks that seem to keep popping up in my life (things that seem to cause the continuous postponement of getting baby #2 "in the works").

But heck, I have a beautiful family. I love my husband and I love my daughter so much. . . I'm so glad we have each other. Yes, more money would be nice. Yes a great job with guaranteed retirement to give us security through the end of our lives would be cool. Yes I REALLY really want to have another baby. Yes I want us to buy a home that can be all our own! YES I want to get my teeth fixed. . . this list could go on.

When I look around and see what so many have lost- that they have given love and lost it- that they have done this repeatedly and can't seem to find "the right one". That they started a life with "the wrong one" and hurt themselves and others very deeply when it fell apart. I see these things and it makes me realize what I have.

No matter what we will always have each other and no matter what comes our way, we will always be together. This makes life so much richer, fuller, and enjoyable. Yeah- our lives are missing "a lot" right now. But something as simple as watching stupid TV shows every night together, or just talking to each other until we fall asleep because we're too tired to stay awake makes life so much more fun and enjoyable.

And my daughter- I love her SO much! Being a parent is so challenging and can really show you just what a pathetic person you are (lol) but laughing with Adam about something Mercedes did or just cuddling together seriously has to be better than ANY drug, ANY activity, ANY thing in the whole entire world.

And so, I feel very lucky. I love Adam, we've been together through hell and back which only gives me the true 100% security of knowing that no matter what happens we will have each other and that's all I will ever need.

My heart breaks for those who are hurting because of a relationship gone wrong, a marriage destroyed, or those who simply cannot find someone to love them back.

I don't know why things turned out for me the way they did. I certainly do not take ANY credit for it! Sure, perhaps many would look at my life and scoff at it or maybe even use it as a reason to feel better about theirs! Maybe my life only looks good when I think about those who have it "worse off". . . But it doesn't matter because I am happy. And because SLOWLY, very- VERY slowly I am learning that happiness isn't about where you're at, what you have, how "perfect" your marriage or family is, but about being satisfied with what you do have and realizing what great things are right in front of you and to TRULY be happy and satisfied right where things are at.

That's a difficult thing, because I really do want more. Especially lately I feel like certain things "need" to happen for the rest of my life to get started. Well- what if I just take things as they are and say "I'm perfectly happy with every last bit of it. I don't need one thing to make me happier/more satisfied." ?

What happens is, I feel very very fortunate- and I am quite happy.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Part 2

Well here it is. . . 2012.

Last year was quite the year for us as 10 months of it was spent apart with very limited communications.

Needless to say it was a pretty rough year, but it certainly was not without some big positives as well:

• Making new friends here in Sacramento and building my new life here
• Mercedes was very happy/healthy all year
• My health problems were resolved and we were able to afford it thanks to great health coverage, limited dental coverage, and $$ we had saved
• We paid off lots of debt
• The salon I manage broke record sales for one week 3 different times
• I was able to experience being a full fledged adult and taking care of responsibilities by myself. Not that I enjoy "going it alone", but there's a self confidence you gain from having this opportunity and I am grateful for it.
• I was able to spend more time with my family in California, specifically my cousin Tony, and I REALLY enjoyed being able to do so. Also getting to see my Grandma more in one year than I have most of my entire life so far was extremely fabulous. My grandma is very unique and special and I love being in a much closer proximity to her!
• I enjoyed the best summer of my life (weather wise) and have truly fallen in love with Sacramento (but it only finds itself 3rd on the list in comparison to San Diego and Hawaii)
• Last but not least, welcoming Adam home in October- it was so amazing and uplifting! Such a happy time for us and it was definitely my favorite part of 2011!

That's the quick list I threw together- I'm sure there is so much more, but I can't think of everything right now.

2012 is going to be a very different year- we are losing the financial comfort of Adam having a steady full time job and depending mostly on my income. It's a very scary position for me to be in, having such a big role in providing for my family. I think it's an especially difficult role for a woman to become the "bread winner" since we are physically designed to be less capable of handling such stress. That being said, I am glad that I have gotten to a place where I can support an (extremely meager) lifestyle for a small family.

Adam is no longer in the Army National Guard, having full filled his 6 year contract. He served nearly half of that as active duty including his initial training, full time temp tech position, AGR (Active Guard/Reserve) job at JFHQ (Joint Force Headquarters for the National Guard at the Capital in St. Paul Minnesota), and his 12 month deployment with OMLT IV. We became romantically interested in each other around the time that he joined the U.S. Army (in 2006), and so this has been our lives together since day 1. It's extremely weird to think that there will be no more drill weekends, no PT tests to prepare for, not one minute of our time will belong to the military.

(For me) it's very scary to accept this change, it's all happened so fast. There's a certain comfort and security that the military provides and it's frightening to no longer have that- especially in this economy. But Adam is thrilled to be returned to civilian freedom, and so I am happy for him.

And so we start off this year with him in school- one of the great benefits he earned with his time in the military. He's getting his commercial/Class A drivers license which has been a desire of his for quite some time. In the meantime he's preparing for a long and tedious application/interview process to become a law enforcement or correctional officer for the State of California. He will be working for a trucking company in the meantime, once he finishes school.

There's a variety of things that could happen so it will be interesting (and also cause me a great deal of anxiety) to see what will come to pass this year.

So here's my hopes/dreams/goals for 2012

• Try not to worry so much about the unknown future!
• Make as much money as I possibly can!
• Really focus on completely removing all negative people/interactions from my life (not using Facebook has really helped me, but I need to finish eradicating my life from as much negativity as possible.) I need to stop wasting time/enduring any negative feelings with relationships/situations that provide me with nothing positive and do not help to further my goals and dreams. Moving to California and ditching facebook helped a lot, but I need to bite the bullet and finish the job and focus on enjoying life/being positive.
• Explore as much of California with Adam and Mercedes as we can
• Spend even more time with my family out here
• Get involved in a musical group or start my own
• Work out more consistently.
• Not take Adam for granted now that he's home!
• Do as much as I can to help Adam accomplish his goal and dreams, pursue a civilian career and recover from PTSD/other complications of being deployed to a war zone.

Here's a link for more information about PTSD if you would like to know more about it.

One thing I've definitely realized is that "surviving" a deployment doesn't happen just during the deployment, it's about surviving the stress beforehand and the aftermath as well. The effects of war will be echoing through the rest of our lives. That echo will become more and more faint, but it's a permanent scar that will never go away. It definitely puts things in a different perspective and makes me so much more grateful for everything and everyone in our lives helping us through it :)

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Part 1

Let me just say, life has been extremely busy lately so I'm a little late on posting anything holiday worthy.

I have just 2 thoughts on Christmas:

1. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. . .

No really. After spending almost $2,000 out of pocket for a front tooth root canal and to have all 4 wisdom yanked. . . and that's just this year. Basically the whole "Sarah's stupid teeth" saga started with my miss-matched teeny tiny jaws and really big teeth. So that meant about 6 years of braces, head gear, W wires, expanders, retainers... and a permanent retainer that I still have (and will have the rest of my life). Of course the lovely permanent retainer did not stop my top front teeth from shifting- and no thanks to the wisdom pushing my already crowded teeth out of their path.

And then there was the 4 molars being ripped out of my mouth (while I was awake- 8 years old. Felt. Every. Single. Thing.

Then, to top it all off, I severely chipped one of my top front teeth so very long ago. . . lets just say I don't remember (nor will ever feel) what it's like to bite into anything with my front teeth. Basically I get food all over my face because I have to bit into whatever it is I'm eating as far to the left side of my mouth as possible. (So fun!)

If that doesn't explain my extreme dental anxiety and 5 year hiatus from any dental services whatsoever, I don't know what does.

Now that all the braces are off, cavities from beneath the braces filled, and the wisdom teeth are gone pretty much everything is good, happy and normal.

Except that darn front tooth. It looks like a patchwork quilt because of all the shoddy work that's been done on it and due to it pretty much dying a painful and miserable death (abscess thanks to the shoddy work not holding up so well) it's also darker than the tooth next to it. AND it doesn't help that for some crazy reason the tooth next to it also has a big old stain on it. Except it's a bright white stain, which just makes the darkness of my devil tooth look even worse.

It's really a silly thing to be upset over, it's just the pressure of having that "perfect smile" from our society which caused me to seek out consultation which predicted a $10,000 cost to the "perfect smile". Ok fine, I'll settle for a halfway decent smile. . . well that consultation comes out to about $3,000 and includes 6-12 months of braces. Yay.

I feel horrible and vain for even being upset about it. But I cried after each of these consultations because I knew I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money purely on my LOOKS. I have had people mention my discolored teeth to me- heck once a "friend" even told me I should try some "whitening gel" to make it "look better". Thanks "friend"! Way to kill my already dying smile image!

So I am going the path of least resistance (and the one that leaves more money in my bank account). I am getting the recommended porcelain crown on my front tooth. The position of the tooth will still be a few millimeters in front of the rest of my teeth, the color will be better but still dark, and it will still be fragile so I have to continue my messy left-side-biting-into-my-food routine. BUT no more shoddy patch work quilt tooth and no more further complications until the tooth further disintegrates and requires an implant (probably in about 10 years). THEN perhaps I will be able to bite into my food normally.

So can I just say that I would honestly have asked Santa for 2 front teeth this Christmas. 2 brand spanking new front teeth, no stains, no dis alignment, just two beautiful pearly whites to give me a decent looking smile.

*sigh* I really need to accept my ugly smile the way it is and MOVE ON!

Less Vain Christmas ramblings:

2. Last Christmas was very sad. Adam was gone. . . and that pretty much sums it up. My family is so wonderful and they did their best to make it amazing and to make me feel loved (and they succeeded) but my heart still ached to be with the one that I love. Something about the holidays makes us yearn for that time with family- maybe that's the only time we get to see them. For the most part, it's a day we all know that we will not have to work and can just spend time with our family.

So not getting to be with my closest, dearest family member proved to make it a time of sadness. To make matters worse, Adam had no mailing address so the best I could do was a send him a Christmas E-card.

Needless to say this Christmas was incredibly wonderful! Adam and I had the time of our lives. . . No snow. . . no cold. My 3rd ever California Christmas, and his 1st. Let's just say I'm pretty sure he's sold on the California Christmas Concept!

But as I felt how lucky I was to have MY soldier home for Christmas. . . I thought about the thousands of soldiers away from their loved ones and the pain their loved ones would be feeling on this special day. I cannot even write about it without tears welling up in my eyes- because I KNOW that pain. I know how the joy of the holidays merely amplifies that pain (ok now the tears are falling, gah!) and to know that so many other people had to feel that way this Christmas. . . I felt almost guilty for getting to have my soldier home for Christmas. I yearned to be able to ease the pain for the soldiers and their loved ones. . . I told Adam "It should be mandatory world peace on Christmas- everyone stops fighting and gets to go home to be with their families. No one has to work, everyone gets to go home and be with their loved ones. Wishful thinking I know. . . but if you knew the pain, you would understand.

That concludes my Christmas ramblings.