Lucky

I have come to the realization that I am an incredibly lucky person.

I've dealt with my fair share of crap, of things not turning out the way I want them to, etc. I've dealt with pain, rejection, fear, sadness, loneliness, horrible debt. . . being broke and nearly homeless. I don't have a perfect marriage and would never claim to. There is only one reason I feel incredibly lucky:

I have found THE person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Despite our troubles, we always stay together and love and support each other.

Right now, off the top of my head, I can name 5 people I know who's marriages disintegrated in less than 5 years. That's just off the top of my head (recent marriages). It's also not counting the long term relationships or engagements I've seen fall apart.

I'm not saying in ANY way whatsoever that I am better than any of these people or that they made wrong decisions/horrible mistakes, or anything of the sort. In fact, I am incredibly heart broken for their pain and wish they didn't have to feel it.

I merely have realized that I am very lucky. I am married to the man that I want to be with for the rest of my life and he feels the same way about me.

I have seen too many people who have been even more fortunate (or "blessed") than I have- they have a happy marriage and stable home environment yet they aren't satisfied. For WHATEVER reason all they can think about, talk about, and complain endlessly about is what they DON'T have or what they are missing to "complete" their life. Whether it's a baby, a job, more money, a better house, better parents, a degree, better circumstances. . . it becomes what consumes them. Even if they attain whatever it is they want SO badly, something else comes into the picture and it starts all over again.

I say this, because I am guilty. I have spent far too much time whining, complaining, and feeling sorry for myself because someone didn't treat me right, a family member or friend didn't love and accept me the way I wanted to be accepted and loved. . . because I didn't get the wedding "every girl dreams of", and because of all the stupid annoying road blocks that seem to keep popping up in my life (things that seem to cause the continuous postponement of getting baby #2 "in the works").

But heck, I have a beautiful family. I love my husband and I love my daughter so much. . . I'm so glad we have each other. Yes, more money would be nice. Yes a great job with guaranteed retirement to give us security through the end of our lives would be cool. Yes I REALLY really want to have another baby. Yes I want us to buy a home that can be all our own! YES I want to get my teeth fixed. . . this list could go on.

When I look around and see what so many have lost- that they have given love and lost it- that they have done this repeatedly and can't seem to find "the right one". That they started a life with "the wrong one" and hurt themselves and others very deeply when it fell apart. I see these things and it makes me realize what I have.

No matter what we will always have each other and no matter what comes our way, we will always be together. This makes life so much richer, fuller, and enjoyable. Yeah- our lives are missing "a lot" right now. But something as simple as watching stupid TV shows every night together, or just talking to each other until we fall asleep because we're too tired to stay awake makes life so much more fun and enjoyable.

And my daughter- I love her SO much! Being a parent is so challenging and can really show you just what a pathetic person you are (lol) but laughing with Adam about something Mercedes did or just cuddling together seriously has to be better than ANY drug, ANY activity, ANY thing in the whole entire world.

And so, I feel very lucky. I love Adam, we've been together through hell and back which only gives me the true 100% security of knowing that no matter what happens we will have each other and that's all I will ever need.

My heart breaks for those who are hurting because of a relationship gone wrong, a marriage destroyed, or those who simply cannot find someone to love them back.

I don't know why things turned out for me the way they did. I certainly do not take ANY credit for it! Sure, perhaps many would look at my life and scoff at it or maybe even use it as a reason to feel better about theirs! Maybe my life only looks good when I think about those who have it "worse off". . . But it doesn't matter because I am happy. And because SLOWLY, very- VERY slowly I am learning that happiness isn't about where you're at, what you have, how "perfect" your marriage or family is, but about being satisfied with what you do have and realizing what great things are right in front of you and to TRULY be happy and satisfied right where things are at.

That's a difficult thing, because I really do want more. Especially lately I feel like certain things "need" to happen for the rest of my life to get started. Well- what if I just take things as they are and say "I'm perfectly happy with every last bit of it. I don't need one thing to make me happier/more satisfied." ?

What happens is, I feel very very fortunate- and I am quite happy.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Part 2

Well here it is. . . 2012.

Last year was quite the year for us as 10 months of it was spent apart with very limited communications.

Needless to say it was a pretty rough year, but it certainly was not without some big positives as well:

• Making new friends here in Sacramento and building my new life here
• Mercedes was very happy/healthy all year
• My health problems were resolved and we were able to afford it thanks to great health coverage, limited dental coverage, and $$ we had saved
• We paid off lots of debt
• The salon I manage broke record sales for one week 3 different times
• I was able to experience being a full fledged adult and taking care of responsibilities by myself. Not that I enjoy "going it alone", but there's a self confidence you gain from having this opportunity and I am grateful for it.
• I was able to spend more time with my family in California, specifically my cousin Tony, and I REALLY enjoyed being able to do so. Also getting to see my Grandma more in one year than I have most of my entire life so far was extremely fabulous. My grandma is very unique and special and I love being in a much closer proximity to her!
• I enjoyed the best summer of my life (weather wise) and have truly fallen in love with Sacramento (but it only finds itself 3rd on the list in comparison to San Diego and Hawaii)
• Last but not least, welcoming Adam home in October- it was so amazing and uplifting! Such a happy time for us and it was definitely my favorite part of 2011!

That's the quick list I threw together- I'm sure there is so much more, but I can't think of everything right now.

2012 is going to be a very different year- we are losing the financial comfort of Adam having a steady full time job and depending mostly on my income. It's a very scary position for me to be in, having such a big role in providing for my family. I think it's an especially difficult role for a woman to become the "bread winner" since we are physically designed to be less capable of handling such stress. That being said, I am glad that I have gotten to a place where I can support an (extremely meager) lifestyle for a small family.

Adam is no longer in the Army National Guard, having full filled his 6 year contract. He served nearly half of that as active duty including his initial training, full time temp tech position, AGR (Active Guard/Reserve) job at JFHQ (Joint Force Headquarters for the National Guard at the Capital in St. Paul Minnesota), and his 12 month deployment with OMLT IV. We became romantically interested in each other around the time that he joined the U.S. Army (in 2006), and so this has been our lives together since day 1. It's extremely weird to think that there will be no more drill weekends, no PT tests to prepare for, not one minute of our time will belong to the military.

(For me) it's very scary to accept this change, it's all happened so fast. There's a certain comfort and security that the military provides and it's frightening to no longer have that- especially in this economy. But Adam is thrilled to be returned to civilian freedom, and so I am happy for him.

And so we start off this year with him in school- one of the great benefits he earned with his time in the military. He's getting his commercial/Class A drivers license which has been a desire of his for quite some time. In the meantime he's preparing for a long and tedious application/interview process to become a law enforcement or correctional officer for the State of California. He will be working for a trucking company in the meantime, once he finishes school.

There's a variety of things that could happen so it will be interesting (and also cause me a great deal of anxiety) to see what will come to pass this year.

So here's my hopes/dreams/goals for 2012

• Try not to worry so much about the unknown future!
• Make as much money as I possibly can!
• Really focus on completely removing all negative people/interactions from my life (not using Facebook has really helped me, but I need to finish eradicating my life from as much negativity as possible.) I need to stop wasting time/enduring any negative feelings with relationships/situations that provide me with nothing positive and do not help to further my goals and dreams. Moving to California and ditching facebook helped a lot, but I need to bite the bullet and finish the job and focus on enjoying life/being positive.
• Explore as much of California with Adam and Mercedes as we can
• Spend even more time with my family out here
• Get involved in a musical group or start my own
• Work out more consistently.
• Not take Adam for granted now that he's home!
• Do as much as I can to help Adam accomplish his goal and dreams, pursue a civilian career and recover from PTSD/other complications of being deployed to a war zone.

Here's a link for more information about PTSD if you would like to know more about it.

One thing I've definitely realized is that "surviving" a deployment doesn't happen just during the deployment, it's about surviving the stress beforehand and the aftermath as well. The effects of war will be echoing through the rest of our lives. That echo will become more and more faint, but it's a permanent scar that will never go away. It definitely puts things in a different perspective and makes me so much more grateful for everything and everyone in our lives helping us through it :)

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year Part 1

Let me just say, life has been extremely busy lately so I'm a little late on posting anything holiday worthy.

I have just 2 thoughts on Christmas:

1. All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth. . .

No really. After spending almost $2,000 out of pocket for a front tooth root canal and to have all 4 wisdom yanked. . . and that's just this year. Basically the whole "Sarah's stupid teeth" saga started with my miss-matched teeny tiny jaws and really big teeth. So that meant about 6 years of braces, head gear, W wires, expanders, retainers... and a permanent retainer that I still have (and will have the rest of my life). Of course the lovely permanent retainer did not stop my top front teeth from shifting- and no thanks to the wisdom pushing my already crowded teeth out of their path.

And then there was the 4 molars being ripped out of my mouth (while I was awake- 8 years old. Felt. Every. Single. Thing.

Then, to top it all off, I severely chipped one of my top front teeth so very long ago. . . lets just say I don't remember (nor will ever feel) what it's like to bite into anything with my front teeth. Basically I get food all over my face because I have to bit into whatever it is I'm eating as far to the left side of my mouth as possible. (So fun!)

If that doesn't explain my extreme dental anxiety and 5 year hiatus from any dental services whatsoever, I don't know what does.

Now that all the braces are off, cavities from beneath the braces filled, and the wisdom teeth are gone pretty much everything is good, happy and normal.

Except that darn front tooth. It looks like a patchwork quilt because of all the shoddy work that's been done on it and due to it pretty much dying a painful and miserable death (abscess thanks to the shoddy work not holding up so well) it's also darker than the tooth next to it. AND it doesn't help that for some crazy reason the tooth next to it also has a big old stain on it. Except it's a bright white stain, which just makes the darkness of my devil tooth look even worse.

It's really a silly thing to be upset over, it's just the pressure of having that "perfect smile" from our society which caused me to seek out consultation which predicted a $10,000 cost to the "perfect smile". Ok fine, I'll settle for a halfway decent smile. . . well that consultation comes out to about $3,000 and includes 6-12 months of braces. Yay.

I feel horrible and vain for even being upset about it. But I cried after each of these consultations because I knew I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money purely on my LOOKS. I have had people mention my discolored teeth to me- heck once a "friend" even told me I should try some "whitening gel" to make it "look better". Thanks "friend"! Way to kill my already dying smile image!

So I am going the path of least resistance (and the one that leaves more money in my bank account). I am getting the recommended porcelain crown on my front tooth. The position of the tooth will still be a few millimeters in front of the rest of my teeth, the color will be better but still dark, and it will still be fragile so I have to continue my messy left-side-biting-into-my-food routine. BUT no more shoddy patch work quilt tooth and no more further complications until the tooth further disintegrates and requires an implant (probably in about 10 years). THEN perhaps I will be able to bite into my food normally.

So can I just say that I would honestly have asked Santa for 2 front teeth this Christmas. 2 brand spanking new front teeth, no stains, no dis alignment, just two beautiful pearly whites to give me a decent looking smile.

*sigh* I really need to accept my ugly smile the way it is and MOVE ON!

Less Vain Christmas ramblings:

2. Last Christmas was very sad. Adam was gone. . . and that pretty much sums it up. My family is so wonderful and they did their best to make it amazing and to make me feel loved (and they succeeded) but my heart still ached to be with the one that I love. Something about the holidays makes us yearn for that time with family- maybe that's the only time we get to see them. For the most part, it's a day we all know that we will not have to work and can just spend time with our family.

So not getting to be with my closest, dearest family member proved to make it a time of sadness. To make matters worse, Adam had no mailing address so the best I could do was a send him a Christmas E-card.

Needless to say this Christmas was incredibly wonderful! Adam and I had the time of our lives. . . No snow. . . no cold. My 3rd ever California Christmas, and his 1st. Let's just say I'm pretty sure he's sold on the California Christmas Concept!

But as I felt how lucky I was to have MY soldier home for Christmas. . . I thought about the thousands of soldiers away from their loved ones and the pain their loved ones would be feeling on this special day. I cannot even write about it without tears welling up in my eyes- because I KNOW that pain. I know how the joy of the holidays merely amplifies that pain (ok now the tears are falling, gah!) and to know that so many other people had to feel that way this Christmas. . . I felt almost guilty for getting to have my soldier home for Christmas. I yearned to be able to ease the pain for the soldiers and their loved ones. . . I told Adam "It should be mandatory world peace on Christmas- everyone stops fighting and gets to go home to be with their families. No one has to work, everyone gets to go home and be with their loved ones. Wishful thinking I know. . . but if you knew the pain, you would understand.

That concludes my Christmas ramblings.

To Minnesota and back again

Whew.

It's super weird being alone right now. It kind of reminds me of the deployment except I'm missing one thing that was a great source of comfort to me while Adam was gone. . .

MERCEDES!

Fortunately I'm so insanely exhausted from trying to get home for 13 hours yesterday.

"Between noon and 8:00pm yesterday a brutal snowstorm hit central Minnesota resulting in 400 vehicle accidents, 50 injuries, and 1 fatality."

It started with leaving white bear lake at 2:00pm. Arrived at the airport close to 3. Roads were OK. . . I've seen worse. At least we made it there.

I thought I'd be ready to leave Adam for a few days after our 6+ weeks of reunion. . . but I really wasn't. It made me SO sad to leave- but at the same time I was DESPERATE to get back to California.

Of course I was randomly "flagged" at security (the sarcasm is because I accidentally brought a police baton through security on our flight TO Minnesota several days earlier. . . turns out they are illegal in California so everyone was in a tizzy and I was nearly arrested. Not fun). SO, I don't think there was anything random about being "flagged" while trying to fly out of MSP.

I guess I should be happy I wasn't strip searched, BUT at least that would have been done in PRIVATE. No, instead I had every inch of my body touched with loads of thanksgiving travelers watching as they went past. It was really wonderful. (Not).

After my super suspicious costco ugg's were triple tested for dangerous chemicals, every inch of my purse and bag checked and rechecked and re-x-rayed. . . I was FINALLY able to go to my gate.

Good thing I had gotten to the airport early!

Then the flight ended up being delayed for 3 hours. This is just one reason I hate the @#$@%(#*& snow. Call me a "snow hater" I don't care. Maybe some people don't mind growing up with White Christmases. . . thanksgivings. . . halloweens. . . even Easters. Maybe some don't mind shoveling, scraping, brushing, shivering. . . Maybe some don't mind having it hurt to breath because it's so @#$@#%(*& cold. Maybe they don't mind having plans be ruined, delayed, canceled due to weather etc. And you know what? That's awesome. I'm glad some (a lot of) people don't mind (maybe even ENJOY) these things. That's truly fabulous- I really do mean that.

BUT I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

And that's OK. God made us different. . . we enjoy different things. I think that's great and I'm happy for people who enjoy certain things even if I really do despise those things (a lot).

The point is it ended up taking forever for me to get out of Minnesota mostly thanks to the snow. Long story short, it took 13 painful hours before I was able to rest my head on my pillow and find sweet rest in my own bed.

I really did enjoy getting to see friends and family. Even though it was quick, brief visits since most of our trip was consumed with preparing the rest of our crap to be moved out here, it was really nice. And it was nice to have a good reminder of just what "cold" really is. I didn't even put on my coat to go get the mail today and I didn't even shiver. I have a refreshed appreciation for my new life in California and I'm quite happy for that.

Now of course I am sitting alone in our apartment. . . wondering if the road trip crew (Adam, Bryn, David, & Mercedes) have made it to Wyoming yet. That's about the 1/2 way point to Sacramento, so that should put them on track to make it here by tomorrow night. That would be awesome because that means that I only have to be alone TONIGHT. :)

I'm trying really hard to appreciate this time to myself. What sucks is that I feel like I've slipped RIGHT back into the "deployment" and that I do NOT like. :(

At least I worked today and I work tomorrow (the whole reason I didn't get to join the "road trip crew") so that will keep me busy. I think it's extra hard because I don't even have my precious baby to cuddle with :(

I will be SO happy to see them again! I really can't wait. . .

Veterans Day

Here's a picture of Mercedes at the local Veterans Memorial, I thought it was very sweet:

This song I also found especially moving. Below are the lyrics:

West, on a plane bound west
I see her stretchin’ out below
Land, Blessed Mother Land
The place where I was born
Scars, yeah she’s got her scars
Sometimes it starts to worry me,
‘Cause lose, I don’t wanna lose
Sight of who we are


From the mountains high
To the wave-crashed* coast
There’s a way to find better days I know
It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home

Free, nothing feels like free
Though it sometimes means we don't get along
Cause same, no we're not the same
But that’s what makes us strong

From the mountains high
To the wave-crashed coast
There’s a way to find better days I know
It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
But this is still the place
That we all call home

Brave, gotta call it brave
to chase that dream across the sea.
Names, then they signed their names
For something they believed
Red, how the blood ran red
We laid our dead in sacred ground
Just think, wonder what they'd think
If they could see us now

It’s been a long hard ride
Got a ways to go
This is still the place
That we all call home
It’s been a long hard ride
And I won't lose hope
This is still the place
That we all call home.

I couldn't think of a better way to say what I feel. . . "Free, nothing feels like free, though it sometimes means we don't get along, cause same, no we're not the same, but that’s what makes us strong."

I whole heartily agree with this. . . free means that we are FREE to not get along. . . we're not all the same, we're not all MEANT to be the same. There is strength in tolerance and accepting that which is not identical to ourselves.

Also, "It’s been a long hard ride, got a ways to go, this is still the place, that we all call home. It’s been a long hard ride and I won't lose hope, this is still the place that we all call home."

It HAS been a long hard ride. . . our country still has a ways to go. But it's MY home and I will never lose hope that we will continue to grow and change and cultivate love and acceptance in the rest of the world.

<3 America

Remember, remember the 5th of November. . .

November 5th, 2007

I held hands with the man I loved, looked into his eyes and said "I do."

I missed out on most of the frivolity that most american girls have when they get married, it used to bother me (mostly because of the reason WHY).

I won't get in to all of that now, but this past November 5th was our 4th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe it's been 4 years. . . harder yet to remember than 1 of those entire years was spent away from each other.

Someone said to us that this wasn't really our "4th" anniversary because we didn't get to be together for a whole year. That we'd really only been married for 3 years.

I don't think people realize the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage together with a 12.5 hour time difference, limited communication, and each partner retreating to a lonely bed at night. A frightening number of military marriages do NOT survive. . . and I can see why.

I count myself extremely blessed to have a husband who is so committed to our relationship. Not only did we survive the deployment, we've had a wonderful time resuming life together. So far, it's been far less difficult than I imagined it being.

Right now the difficult thing for me is to not let the anxiety of the scary unknown future get to me. What will happen with Adam's job? Where will we end up? Will bad things happen to us (again) ?

Just gotta relax, take it one day at a time, and enjoy the fact that hubby is here with me every day (easier said than done, to the first three at least!)

I have to say, waking up on November 5th with Adam next to me was the best anniversary present ever :)

1 week Post Deployment

Well that certainly could not have happened any better than it did.

Adam arriving home from his deployment ON his birthday? A week EARLIER than expected? Every once in a while the universe hands you these perfect moments or perfect coincidence. You might only ever get one, so you gotta fully enjoy it ;)

I really do have the best friends and family.

I showed up at work that morning and my coworkers were like "WHAT are you doing HERE?!" I insisted on staying until everyone had at least gotten a lunch break. Finally they convinced my to leave around 2:00pm. That gave me enough time to vaccuum out the car and finish the rest of the laundry.

My uncle Eddie arrived from his 6 hour drive from Long Beach around 5:00pm. Hanging out and chatting with him made time go by SO much faster. . . this was SO helpful! I had so much anxiety it was RIDICULOUS.

The rest of my friends had dropped what they had planned and showed up at my apartment at 8:00pm.

We hung out, ate pizza, obsessively checked adam's flight (or maybe that was just me?). . . signed his welcome home banner.

I got ready to go. . . the girls helped me pick which purse to use.

Before I knew it the time had finally come. We loaded up in our vehicles and headed towards the 5 (interstate).

I could barely contain my excitement. The drive there honestly seems like a blur. I remember I probably said at least 10 times "Oh my God, I am SOOO excited!"

Of course Adam would be flying into the recently constructed Terminal B. . . so that threw another interesting twist into our plan.

Some of my friends arrived first and checked his flight. . . which would now be arriving 23 minutes EARLIER than expected!!!!

Once we all met up, the girls and I headed off for one last bathroom trip. The guys figured out where we needed to be.

We went up all the escalators until we reached the shuttle drop off/pick up area. Uncle Eddie confirmed with an airport employee that Adam would be arriving at one of the two shuttle ports.

So we stood between the two and waited. It seriously felt like HOURS. Our little welcome home band, holding our sign, trying to entertain a tired toddler.

Every time a shuttle arrived I hoped it would be the ONE. Of course none of them were bringing any passengers, and it seemed like hours between each shuttles arrival.

I honestly don't know what I would have done without my friends and family right there with me counting down the seconds until the big arrival.

Finally we could see in the distance a shuttle coming towards the left port. As it got closer we could see passengers.

Mercedes grabbed my hand and we walked up to the front of the shuttle port. I could see two men in uniform right at the front. I immediately recognized the one on the right as Adam.

Mercedes waved and he waved back. We looked at each other and I waved excitedly.

We walked around to the side where the passengers would be disembarking.

There he was, walking towards us.

I took a few steps and for a moment remembered the sign glaring at us which stated "ticketed passengers only beyond this point"

I can't tell you how many times I dreamed about this moment. Wondering if I would freeze, scream, laugh, cry, run or even fall flat on my face.

I stepped past the sign and the steps turned into a run and I threw my arms around Adam's neck.

I started to cry, but no tears came. Just dry sobs as I clutched on to him.

Tears streamed down his own eyes, he leaned down and whispered into my ear: "I'm home Babe, I'm home for good."

It felt like we stood in that embrace forever. I suddenly felt horrible that I had no idea how long Mercedes had been standing there!

We scooped her up into a big family hug. And then we kissed. It all just felt so right! I felt like we could have stood there forever, perfectly happy and content.

Our friends and family hung out with us while we waited for Adam's bags. I was so elated- to be able to hug my husband, hold his hand, kiss him as much as I wanted. . . I honestly didn't care about anything other than being with Adam.

After the bags finally arrived we all said goodbye and headed back to our homes.

I had also wondered many times if it would be difficult getting to sleep next to Adam again, after becoming so used to living on my own and having our bed entirely to myself.

Suffice to say that when I did fall asleep that night, it was the sweetest sleep of my life. Nothing felt more normal or natural then waking up with my hubby right beside me and feeling like life was finally back to the way it should be.