So close, I can almost taste it. . .

My heart is pounding. I can hardly breath. I can barely remember being this excited EVER. . . I think the closest I have ever been to being this excited was in November 2006 when I was in South Carolina for Adam's graduation from basic training.

I remember my little outfit that I bought (which I still have, except the shoes! Still fits. . . just a little too conservative for how I am NOW!) and getting ready in the little loft I was staying in. . .

My heart had been broken the month before when I thought I wasn't going to be able to go see him graduate. I had played in a wedding that day in the Semple Mansion in Minneapolis and Adam had called me and we discussed the dates and airline prices... the verdict we reached was great disappointment to both of us. I sat in the corner of the entrance and just cried my eyes out!

Just a few weeks after that I received a call from my future mother in law informing me of the amazing airline ticket she had found. . . next thing I knew I was all set to go see my boyfriend the weekend of Veterans day! I was in the (second) kitchen of a huge mansion I was cleaning. No one was around so I took a minute to jump up and down and then collapse in a heap of happy tears!

After the graduation, on our way to actually see Adam, I thought I might pass out. I could barely breath! We had no idea if we were in the right spot, but Adams parents and I bravely climbed out of the rental van and approached the crowd of soldiers and civilians. Desperately I looked around hoping to see him. . .

A voice called down to us from above, "HEY! I'll be right down!"

There he was, up on a balcony. Turned in a flash and began leaping down flights of stairs and bolting towards us.

"VALSLER, DO NOT RUN! DO NOT RUN!!!!" The voice of the drill sergeant echoed through the air but had no effect whatsoever on the speed in which Adam ran towards me.

In a second his arms were around me in a tight and endearing embrace. . . pity we hadn't discovered kissing (or anything else) yet! If I could go back in time to that moment I would. . . well, I'll spare you that knowledge!

This time it will be different. I'll be standing in the terminal, surrounded by a few family members and my dear friends. . . we'll be staring at the escalator waiting for a pair of combat boots to appear and watching to see if Adam is revealed as the steps flow downward.

I'm not sure if I am going to run, freeze, cry, laugh, fall over or maybe all of the above. What I do know is that THIS time I will kiss the man I love for a very long time and there will be NO holding back any of the lov'n whatSOever! It's gonna be great :)

Will this happen tomorrow night? There's a chance. A good one. I'm trying to keep myself from hoping too much, but I can't. I really can't. I mean how can this NOT happen tomorrow? It's his fricken birthday! It would be the most amazing birthday ever! I seriously don't even know how I am going to handle the news if this DOESN'T happen?! I know I will make it those few extra days, but will I be able to function????!!!!!!

I hope this wave of adrenalin carries me through until I see him again! I simply can't help but be excited out of my mind!

Ok. Time to get stuff DONE!

Oct 5th

October 5th 2010 around 1pm Adam and I finally pulled up into our new apartment complex and stepped into the office to finish signing our lease. I can't believe it's been exactly one year since we officially became Californian residents!

We were SO exhausted. This whole "California" thing had only started 2 months prior and BOOM we were here. After 30+ hours in our teeny car we had FINALLY arrived. Wow. . . it was such a wonderful and exciting moment!

In other news, I've now been with Great Clips for 2 years. Time goes by SO fast!

Now why can't this next week just hurry up? ;)

Ok so here's my coping strategy. . . I am REALLY trying to keep a super positive attitude and enjoy each of my last few days alone instead of being miserable and wishing they'd pass by a little (or a lot!) faster.

I think the worst part is not knowing what DAY I'm looking forward to- I just know it's SOMETIME next week. . . ish. I HATE the vagueness! It's like. . . waiting to go into labor! You know it WILL happen. . . just not when. And the anticipation KILLS!

I keep procrastinating certain parts of my "list". I think that secretly I'm hoping that I'll find out he's coming home sooner than expected and I can rush around and get everything done real quick in one final sweep of energy and a major adrenaline rush. That would be a dream come true. . .

That being said, I only have about 4 episodes to finish the last season of "Buffy". . . like most TV shows the 4th season started a decline which unfortunately the last season did NOT improve at all. I'm literally just watching the episodes purely so I can see how it ends. Lame, I know. But this is my life!

I'm happy that my dedication to eating (relatively) healthy and working out has held fast! For someone who drank 1-2 sodas every day (that's right, I said SODA not POP!) I can honestly say I haven't drank an entire soda in over 2 months. And the two I attempted to drink I didn't even finish because I didn't like the taste anymore. . . CRAZY!

Working out is so boring (especially with Buffy becoming insanely blah as of late) so I've thrown in a couple of other TV shows and DVDs to the mix which helps. And I have to say the results I'm seeing are quite a motivation of their own! I'm REALLY proud of myself for sticking with this consistently 6 days a week!

I keep imagining what it will be like- standing at the airport and seeing Adam come down the escalator and towards us. To FINALLY feel his lips again. . .

Our life has really had it's share of ups and downs. But I feel like that makes it all the more worth it to get through such a massive hurdle and to be together again. It's like we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that we will make it through anything no matter what. . . We are bonded in a way that few people will ever experience. And the trials we've survived? Just make victory that much sweeter.

October 1st

The end is near. Extremely near.

I did a little happy dance when I woke up this morning knowing it was October 1st.

Then I cried in the car on my way to work when the radio station I was listening to played "The Star Spangled Banner" and "Proud to be an American".

I was fairly excited most of the day. Talking to my coworkers about my hubby's current position, when he'd be home, etc.

But then I was so exhausted during my last haircut of the evening. It was a half hour past closing and I was finishing up the last customer and thinking about going home to my empty apartment. I thought about the fact that I still have at least a few weeks of work before that blissful trip to the airport to reunite with my lover. I pushed back the tears and carried on my pretense of happiness. . .

It really just feels too far away. How can I be THIS close and feel like I'm farther from his homecoming than I've been this entire year? It literally feels like these next days are never going to end.

Most nights I do my workout, pushing through the soreness as I dream about how excited my husband will be to see me and that I WILL be in the best shape of my life, tan, moisturized, long(ish) hair, pretty much as perfect as I can get myself to be. Tonight I lay there on the floor and feel like I don't want to move. The seconds just DRAGGING by. . .

It's hard to be excited when it feels like the moment I am waiting for is NEVER going to arrive.

Not to mention my fear of the future. What it will be like reintegrating our lives which we spent 3 solid years building together? We'll be starting all over. I'll steal his towel, he'll leave his socks on the floor. . . so on and so forth. I've REALLY gotten into my "groove" lately. It's become comfortable. I even have started to like it :( Of course I'm more than happy for it to be all tipped upside down with the homecoming of my husband, but I am scared of what it will be like.

I'm scared to see what happens with Adam's job situation. Of course something will work out. But I'm scared of the process of finding out what that will be. I'm scared of living paycheck to paycheck, scraping by with the bare minimum and stressing about which bills to pay. I'm scared of bad things happening and having to struggle through them.

There's so many options and so many new things coming my way. I'm excited but so nervous.

I'm a little bit discouraged in my "getting ready" process. I'm losing my motivation and I want to just skip through these next few days and get to the part where I can rest in the arms of my husband, lay my head on his chest, and be at peace.

I remember feeling this way 5 years ago when Adam was going through basic training at Fort Jackson SC. I can't believe that was 5 years ago. . . I look back and say, "Wow, look how much time has passed since then!"

Yet still it feels like I will never make it to a time when I can say, "Remember Oct 1st 2011 when I thought the next day would never come and that I couldn't make it through? Now I have 2 more babies, a house, and am FINALLY planning my wedding to my husband for our 10th wedding anniversary. . . "

And even dreaming of the wonderful days ahead cannot stop my tears from falling.

That was my October 1st.

#6 Get Ready. . .

October gets closer with each passing day. . . I have named October 2011 the "month of bliss" for reasons which are obvious.

Now that my family has returned to Minnesota, I've recovered (mostly) from a horrible stomach flu bug, and the vertigo is easing up (for the moment). . . it's time to GET READY.

So here's a few things on my list to accomplish before "sometime in the month of October". . .

To be done the week he returns:

-Buy a dresser for Adams clothes (currently in boxes). Wash and put away all clothes so they are ready and accessible for when he gets back.

-Detail the car (yes I intend to do this all by my lonesome. It's going to be difficult and it's going to suck horrendously but I am still going to do it)

-Wash/Wax the outside of the car

-Stock the cupboards/fridge with Adams favorite foods

-Deep clean the refrigerator, oven, microwave

-Buy a table clothe for the table (Mercedes "decorations" have been permanetly etched/colored into the top of it)

-Deep clean the bathroom and vanity in my bedroom

-Reorganize all closets/cupboards

-Dust/wipe everything down

-Shampoo the carpets

-Wash the sheets on our bed (the day of, so they are super fresh!)

-Clean/organize Mercedes bedroom

-Shampoo the carpet

-Get a pedicure/manicure

-Do a body wrap on myself (gotta put those rusty esthetician skills to work!)

-Wax, wax, wax, wax EVERYTHING

-Buy a lot of candles

To work on over the next month:

Work out EVERY day. . . I've always considered myself active, but when I was a swimmer and regularly exercising I was in incredible shape. I'd like to get *close* to that so when Adam gets back I look, feel, and am as hot as I possibly can be. I know Adam doesn't care, but I do.

I was going to buy an entirely new outfit (that's not out the window entirely yet!) but instead I'm going to raid my closet and see what amazing ensemble I can package together from what I already have. We'll see

What I've already been working on:

Growing my hair out and keeping it blond. . . if you know me, you know how difficult this is. Adam doesn't care how I have my hair but I know that he loves it long and he has never seen me with long luscious blond locks. I might need to invest in extensions, but hey I've done a pretty darn good job just with letting it grow!

Getting all of our "affairs" in order. . . that's right, got my 2012 registration tabs already, oil change done, important paperwork sorted and filed, all bills paid, talked to our leasing agent about keeping our awesome great rent deal, found JFHQ and got my military ID renewed, etc etc etc. All important things that I want out of the way for Adam's return :)

Basically I want everything to be PERFECT. For him to come home to a home that doesn't need anything but for two happy people to live in it. No chores to do, nothing to put away, nothing to organize, nothing to set up. . . just perfection.

I know that might not happen, but it's my GOAL and that's what I'll be working towards over the next days, week, month. . . (love that singular term. . . MONTH! not m...oo...n...t..h..ssssss)

It feels really good to be at this point. REALLY good. Just to know that I'm getting things ready for his homecoming makes me feel all warm and tingly inside :D

But as good as it feels, it hurts that much more to crawl into my bed all alone. . . yes I've gotten used to it, but there's still a deep sadness that sets in every night before I fall asleep all alone. I just miss him so much. . . and really NOTHING can make that feel better :(

Remembering

Do you Remember this?

I do. As a young teenager I was greatly impacted by this event. Little did I know that exactly 10 years later I would be married to a soldier who currently is continuing to wage the fight against terrorism brought on by that fateful day in 2001.

2,977 people died as a result of this attack.

My heart bleeds for the lives lost that day and for the lives that have continued to be lost through events of "Operation Enduring Freedom". . .

Here's my thoughts as plainly as I can put them:

I am proud to be an American. I feel this country has a unique beginning and we have a lot of wonderful things to be thankful for. This country is not perfect. It's inhabitants are not perfect. Collectively a lot of "not perfect" things have happened over the course of America's life. A lot of the people who live here do not agree on much with each other and there's quite a bit of hatred spat in all directions. I can't say that I know all the answers or what's best or even that I know much at all- but I know I live in a nation where people bind together in times of need and work together to accomplish a common goal. Somehow through all the "muck" of our world today we find a way to be a team, so to speak. We take care of each other and stand strong together, not as clearly and simply as that but that is really what it comes down to.

We were ATTACKED on September 11th, 2001. It was an incredible tragedy that rocked our world. But we stood together- we cried and prayed. . . others were there in the midst helping the victims and fighting the carnage. A month later our soldier's went to war. . . here 10 years later they are still fighting to protect us and to stop the people who did this from doing more harm. I know it's not as simple as all that, but for those of us in the military, it is just that simple.

I am proud of my husband for his time spent in Operation Enduring Freedom. . . and remembering what happened a decade ago helps me to find meaning in this deployment.

It is sad to remember this horrible day. But it is good to remember it. Reflecting on it helps put things in perspective and reminds us of the reasons why we make sacrifices and to be grateful for all the good that we DO have and to not take ANY moment for granted.

Thank you to everyone who serves to protect and care for the people of America, I am truly grateful.

#5 It's OK to cry (a lot)

2 posts in one week, dang I'm on a roll!

Well life is somewhat back to "normal". . . after a 10+ day visit with my Mom and Sisters- trekking down and across the state of California- and wrapping it all up with a mini visit from my cousin Tony. So yes, I am back to working a full work week, scrambling to find a babysitter, and one of my daily highlights being watching the next episode of "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer"

It's the oddest thing, the closer I get to "the end" the more mixed my feelings become. Part of me feels like with the finish line in sight a burst of energy is going to send me sailing across it with no problem whatsoever. Yet, at the same time, I feel like I have used every last resource and I am going to collapse and never reach the end.

One day I feel like "Wow, this whole deployment thing has been quite a success! We've paid off some major debts, actually built a savings account, our relationship has remained intact and our closeness has not dwindled. Yay us! I could do this again no problem!" And the next I wonder how I have even gotten through this year. The pain of being alone is so extraordinary I find myself numb to it most of the time, but the times when I really TRULY feel it, it's so unbearable I can hardly breath. Literally there is a deep, physical pain in my chest and it aches so bad. . .

But as with anything in life, no matter what your pain- no matter what has happened to you that makes you feel like the world has stopped and life will never go on- the sun rises on time and the day just goes on. Minute by minute, hour by hour- it passes just as it always has and always will. It does not pause, it does not take notice, it simply just continues.

And so when you reach those days where you feel like you can't keep going, you focus on making it to the next minute. The next hour. . . half of the day, and finally the end of the day. You can't think about tomorrow or next week- let alone how the next month(s) are going to go! This has pretty much been my strategy for this year. I know Adam will be home and it will be amazing- but I can't take the burden of every day all at once- just one day at a time.

I find a way to be strong for the most part- I talk about everything without completely losing it. I retain my composure (for the most part anyway) and "stay strong" so to speak.

But the smallest thing, from a sad thought to a moving photo or an emotional climax in the TV show I am watching- will simply send me into a pathetic sobbing, blubbery mess.

Somehow afterwards I feel better. Of course I feel silly and like I have somehow lost perhaps even MORE dignity, but who cares?! It's OK to let those emotions out. . . it helps.

This coming Sunday, 9/11/11 is the 10th anniversary of the terrorist attacks. I don't care what you believe or what you think the solution is, but the cold facts are that we were ATTACKED and there and those out there who are fighting to protect us and to stop the people who did this from doing more harm. I know it's not as simple as all that, but for those of us in the military, it is just that simple.

I'm sure it will be a day of even more tears for me (hopefully not while I'm at work!) and I hope that the rest of you take at least a moment to reflect on the day and to thank our servicemen and women for their protection.

#4

Take a few road trips. . .

Until recently the thought of a road trip only brought back terrible memories. . . memories of being squished into a 9 passenger station wagon with all of my siblings- later in a 12 passenger van- the fights, the car sickness, the vomiting, the break downs, the long hours, the jolty bumpy ride which seemed to endure for eternity- lets just say being in the car for more than an hour seemed like something I would try to avoid at all costs for most of my young-adult years thus far.

Of course, I was cured of that after a 35 hour road trip in a teeny Ford Focus jam packed with our belongings with absolutely ZERO comfort or sleep the entire time.

So far this year (including the end of 2010) I have made 6 trips to the bay area (San Francisco, San Jose), 3 trips to Napa (2 of which were on the WAY to the bay area, but whatever!), 4 trips to Santa Maria (home of my infamous video-game-playing Grandma!) 1 trip to Fort Bragg, 1 trip to Long Beach and 1 trip to South Lake Tahoe. And several of these have been just me and my little travel buddy Mercedes!

Not only have I (mostly) overcome my extreme fear of traveling to places I have never been (especially scary cities like San Francisco and Los Angeles!) I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed getting out and doing some mild exploration of California. I love the breath-taking mountain scenery, the coastal range, the magnificent hills, the variety of coasts and shorelines, the world renowned cities. . . heck even the incredible aqueducts bringing precious water to southern California are pretty dang cool to look at!

Looking forward to these road trips and the people I get to see at my various destinations has really brightened this year for me. Seeing the dates on the calendars, having a little countdown until I leave on my trip- it's all really helped break up the year into more bearable parcels. Those hours in the car just fly by as I gaze at the beautiful scenery and process all the crazy thoughts flying through my brain. . . as I daydream about each detail of my hubby's long awaited return. . .

I am SO lucky and wonderfully blessed to have such an amazing family- and even moreso that they live in so many terrific areas!

I simply can't wait for Adam to get back so we can go on road trips together. . . here's a few things on my list for this coming year:

Visit/Camp at Yosemite

Boat/Camp/Visit Lake Tahoe

Camp in the Sierra's

Camp on the beach

Visit San Diego

Visit Tricia in Pheonix AZ (in the winter! When it's "cold" here LOL!)

Visit Santa Cruz

Visit San Francisco, more of the bay area, and tour alcatraz!

Visit the Oregon Coast (possibly camp there as well!)

Visit Fort Bragg

And of course, a few trips to Long Beach (disneyland!) and Grandma's house in Santa Maria :P

Don't know if life will let us make it to all these places this year, but hey, a girl can dream! And they're all right here at my fingertips :D

I <3 life!